não sei aguentar intimidade 06/11/24

wednesday, nov 6 2024

my heart aches. it feels so strange. i want to apologize. i don't know how to love. my head is too dense. i got harassed. i feel angry. i'm so sorry dear. sorry i've hurt you. i don't how how to love. i admire you. i'm sorry for saying stupid things. i don't know how to set boundaries for people. i don't know how to love in a way it isnt messy, swamped, raw. words cannot convey the delight it is to be your friend. words could never describe what i feel. i'm blind. i was blind. i didn't quite see. my heart shakes and shakes and my body is torn apart in half. i'm sorry for being stupid. my heart beats at the rythm of your words when you speak to me. oh what have i done. i do not deserve someone life you. you don't deserve somone as awful as me. words fail me. i should've known. i'm so selfish. i promise i blame myself for this. i do not know the weight of my words. i've been remembering things which should be locked at the deepest chamber of my brain. over and over and over. obssessive. intrusive. agressive. sexual. it haunts me in my sleep. i left you and now i remember why i don't trust people. sorry i'm always prepared for when anyone leaves me. i do not trust anyone and you are no exception. i can't help it. i'm sorry for thinking you were to hurt me. you say i'm just like the others. that upsets me deeply. i know it isn't true. you lied to me. you have lied to me. i cannot help but betray you. i sometimes wish i could give myself fully to people. but it is more appropriate to wish i could stop being so ashamed of intimacy i deny it entirely. sorry for talking only me me me me. you. you my dear. i cannot decipher you. you're so stubborn. it amuses me. i love witnessing the things you do. i hate to admit it. i hate that my mind does not trust you. you're iridescent. you're a caleidoscope. you are the fog my boat gets lost in. you are an enigma i ought to spend my life solving. you fascinate me. you confuse me. you hit my head with a hammer. i like you because you remind me of myself. i know you don't like this statement. i like you because you're creative. i like you because i'm always finding out things i didn't realize about you. i like you because you never fail to surprise me. it is pain. but it is through pain we know we're alive. hurt me. hurt me. hurt me more. i wish to be striped away from my dignity. not by you. but by anything that ever dares be intimate with me. use me whole. my confidence hides it. abuse me. strip me out of my potential. make me hard to love. i do not know how to handle intimacy. i dont know how to love