the mask fell and i became human

i was listening to music in class when the head of our course called me out. she sat down behind her laptop and asked me about my poor attendance. long story short i gave her excuses, she called me out and i stared getting emotional. it was deeply humiliating. i take pride in carrying things well and keeping my problems to myself but at moments like this my facade falls. i opened up to her about my past without going into detail which was the worst part. i’m afraid she thinks i’m some worthless attention seeker. there is no denying that everyone nowadays is soft, especially people my age. what happened to me was real and serious and life threatening and a man was convicted for it. i pretend it didn’t happen and act like it’s just a bad dream but then it haunts me in real life situations, situations where i’m trying to better my life and move on. it’s difficult to move on from the past when you pretend it doesn’t exist. i’ve always been too scared to face the fact i was sexually abused. always been afraid of the immense guilt, grief and disgust i feel towards myself. there are many feelings i could get into about my rape and abuse but i’m so exhausted from even mentioning it vaguely to a real person today. i feel ashamed that i broke down like this in front of a stranger but i suppose some good came of it as she referred me to counselling. sad thing is i’ll probably have to wait many months to see anyone. there are so many attention seekers out there who take resources from people like myself. people who have actually suffered. people who have seen some of the worst humanity has to offer before the ripe age of 16. at the end of the day i have to remain positive. some good will come of my humiliation and in asking for support i stepped outside of my comfort zone.