I'm still waiting

For the past few months, my nights have been filled with major anxiety and incredible difficulty falling asleep. Sometimes, I'll stay awake for days with only short 30-minute naps before I wake up, sweaty and dazed usually. I'll try to fall back asleep and, again, just as the nights before, the anxiety literally starts to engulf me and I begin to feel mentally out of control. 

I've always had anxiety and obsessive, ruminating thoughts, but mostly what's keeping me awake is remembering that I'm truly not worthwhile. I don't enjoy doing anything, it's quite a bizarre feeling. . ! I think I'm really incapable of doing anything worthwhile, or meaningful, very simple and mundane things are exhausting for me and

everyone seems so far away and outside of me, I don't quite understand it. I don't understand how you do it, and I don't understand where this way of thinking comes from. It would be nice if someone could help me. . . can you help me be worthwhile? How can I be worthwhile when I’m like, barely a person? 

The only solace is knowing I can always kill myself. But then, even killing myself has become harder to think about, I feel so hallow about everything. . . AH. . . the freedom of suicide lingers but not enough to act on it anymore, I'm only stuck in this passive sadness and waiting. I want to have to kill myself because I’ve failed so miserably that dying would be less traumatic for anyone than my continuing to live. I’m also like, “nothing good can ever come from me: no matter what, my situation is doomed.” It’s hard for me to believe that I will ever be healthy, typical, or have a better life than now because it’s hard for me to believe that I can create or do anything positive.

It's so overwhelming and I want to give up. Oh, well.

None of it really matters, not really. I'm really tired, so I'll avoid what little responsibility I do have. It's one thing I'm good at! 

censoress is feeling tormented