11/4/2024

i'd like to think i'm okay with things ending so soon, but the amount of time i spend ruminating about the future suggests otherwise. god. senior year of freaking high school...where did it all go? i'm on the cusp of adulthood; the twilight years of my childhood are slowly going to freeze over, and soon, i will never go back.

the day before we went trick or treating, i got really stressed about making the sweater for her because it was my first time ever doing a heat transfer design and i felt like i'd fuck it up somehow. mom knew, like she always does, but she thought all of that energy was directed towards an assignment. she seemed baffled that it was going towards a childish little holiday. isn't that the point though? in my mind, this is the last halloween i will ever have as a kid. everyone at school is dressing up. i wanted to have this memory so badly i think i could choke with it. when i told her this, she said, "we can never go back even if we want to."

i don't have to have her spell out what kind of past she's thinking of. the remnants of our  homeland rest deep within our bones. if i can't be a true part of my family, the very least i can do is make up for my existence. one day we'll go back home. i promise.