nov 4 2024

i know i've just been super negative lately but i've been having quite a rough go of it. i spent my weekend almost completely alone. nobody texted me, nobody called me. i never have any real conversations with people unless i text them first.

the one person i've always been able to go to basically disregards everything i have to say unless he can mess with me or hurt my feelings. which is even worse because we've been friends for years. we've been together throughout the hardest parts of each others' lives.

this morning i woke up feeling shitty because i didn't get enough sleep. at this point it's an all-too regular occurrence. i have to drag myself out of bed and to school. normally the knowledge that i'll see my friends is enough to make that easier but recently everyone i actually care about like that seems less happy to see me. of course plenty of them have extenuating circumstances, things going on, etc but i think some just don't like me as much anymore. i don't even know why??? but it hurts. i'm trying to be less annoying, less loud, less this-that-and-the-other but i don't know. i don't know what to do.

and to top it all off i haven't had time or motivation to rehearse the songs for my extracurricular choir. so i sounded bad today. i guess i was bringing everyone else down and the conductor was mad at me about it. so now i feel guilty for causing such a backslide in progress.

i just wanna be happier but it feels like i slip farther every day