not feeling so well

before I start, I think there might be some bug going on that's causing my profile to not be visible on website spacehey, but visible on mobile, so I hope that gets sorted.

anyways, last night I posted an update bulletin about how I've been feeling, and what happened, but its pretty long, so I'll sum it up..

band was supposed to have our first practice at a music studio, one of the members, AKA our rhythm guitarist, bailed on me and our vocalist, after agreeing to meet up once our drummer arrived to meet up with her at a boba shop. we were all gonna get crepes together after our 30 minute practice, but I guess she had other plans because they ended up going to ramen bar and doing other stuff without me and our vocalist :( not even telling me they were at least going there so I could meet up with them..

she apologized a lot and said it wasn't intended and she'd make it up to me, but... it doesnt change the fact she pulled such a shitty move.. 

anyways, I thought I'd be feeling better today, but I feel worse. I've bottled up how ive felt a lot, and its been starting to get to me, and what happened on Friday isn't helping either. I couldn't look at her in class, I just don't want to talk to her or look at her because it just- feels hard, and I feel my damn anxiety starting to flare up again and it sucks :( I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining but I really hate it when people do things like this, especially when I trusted them a lot.. I usually trust people pretty easily, but now I don't even know if I should stay in this band because im scared of it happening again. I just feel even more disconnected. and- I know its probably stupid of me to vent about my problems on spacehey, and I should be telling my therapist these things- which- I am, I'm going to tell my therapist this tomorrow, but- I need to get it out now. I can't bring myself to vent these things to people I'm close to.. I cant bring myself to tell my sister, or Mom, or dad or even fucking girlfriend, or even my best friends because I just feel like I'm not gonna truly be heard out.. and even if I am, I'm scared of just becoming another problem, another reason to make someone's day worse.. whenever someone vents to me, I end up feeling really really sad, knowing that someones going through that and I cant do anything to help them :( I'm just so tired and anxious and I wish I could be as happy as I was a few days ago, and I don't know why I always have these mood swings, I don't think I have bipolar disorder. 

I'm going to do this again next week, but if anything happens between today and next week, or If I feel worse, I'll post an update.

love you all, bye