Reflections

So I fucked up. I got into a fight with C. He broke up with T but was still spending 3 nights a week there for like a month anyways. I had finally had it. I got shitty with him and he dumped me. He insisted they aren’t sleeping together, but when I threatened to out him for cheating he goes “if you have ever loved or care for me, please don’t do this”…. He would beg for the girl he supposedly dumped to not find out about his cheating over begging the girl that supposedly means everything to him to stay. 

This was all on Halloween into November 1st. 

He cut me off. Completely ignored me all weekend. Went full no contact. Likely out of fear that I would break his home, his “family” as he likes to call them, even though he’s comfortable cheating on her. 

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Still, there are moments of pure magic that I would like to take the chance to recognize. My goal is to find moments like these with someone who will truly love me, and me alone, like this forever. Now that I know this type of love exists, I won’t stop until I find it again. For the record, I’m fairly certain it was him and will only ever be him. What we had was magical, and I will never forget it. These are some of my favorite memories with C, in no particular order. 

1) The day he found out I could make home made tamales. He said “marry me” and threw a Universal Studios keyring at me. It was the cutest, most heartwarming moment ever.

2) One day in the elevator he got down on his knees, placed his hands on my hips to pull me in, kissed my tummy, then looked up at me and said, “I’m putting a baby in you” before standing up and kissing me on the lips and forehead. I knew he meant it. 

3) One of the first times we ever made out. We were in my car. I think he was just so overwhelmed he even had a shot with me. He kissed me then placed his forehead against mine, gently held my face in his hands with his eyes closed and whispered “I will give you everything, my life, all of it”. He’s not a very serious person, but in that moment I knew he couldn’t have been more honest. It was the most sincere moment I think I have ever had with a man. 

4) The first time we made love at my house. We had so much love and trust for one another. He finished in me and we went to clean ourselves up afterwards. I was in the shower washing off with a bar of soap in my hands. He pulled back the curtain, gazed into my eyes and smiled. He couldn’t even help it. He was beaming. The moment lasted for what felt like an eternity. Time stopped. I was completely breathless. It was the happiest smile I have probably ever seen in my life. Nobody has ever looked at me with so much love and trust. Nobody ever will look at me like that again for as long as I live. Of this I am absolutely certain. In that moment I was truly loved. It was pure. It was real. He was enamored. In utter and complete awe. I will never forget just how much he loved me in that moment. 

5) One night when walking to the parking garage before we started really talking, I walked towards my car in one direction, and he started walking towards his in the other. He stopped and turned to me, paused for a moment, then very gently told me how grateful he was to have met me. It was in that moment that I knew he was in love with me too. 

6) Our first kiss on the sidewalk by the Sweeney lot. We were walking along and holding hands. He was in his big black adidas sweater that he eventually gave to me to wear when he wasn’t around. It was the sweetest most passionate first kiss I have ever had. I could tell he had been wanting to kiss me for just as long as I had been wanting to kiss him. 

7) One of the first times we were really getting hot and heavy. I licked and playfully sucked his index finger as a tease. He goes “Ohhh, I’m in trouble”… He was indeed, in trouble. His reaction was nothing shy of priceless. 

8) The time at Walmart when some guy told him his “wife is so beautiful”… he was glowing. 

9) Every single time I would roll my chair over to his desk to talk to him and he would tell me “get back over here” when I would try to roll away if I was annoyed or we had a misunderstanding. Flirting with him was always the best. Always.

10) Taking care of baby Belle when she had a bad upper respiratory infection and he left her home with no heat. It was sweet to see him so loving and caring as a cat Dad. His future wife and children will be SO BLESSED. He couldn’t be more wonderful. 

11) The first time he brought me a Diet Pepsi and some candy as a surprise. I was having an awful day and when he saw how happy it made me, he was so bashful about it. The way he thinks of others is just the best. I am so grateful for every last snack and meal we shared as lovers and as friends. 

12) Every last time he sings my name, nicknames, or any variation of made up song about me. Even the mean ones. 

13) The smiles and laughs him and PJ shared, and just how happy he was when we took PJ to the park together one time after Zianos. He’s so good with kids and it absolutely warms my heart that men like him even exist anymore. That shit restores my faith in humanity in general. 

14) All the times he helped me with my car. Peeling the decal off of my car stands out in particular. That whole morning. It was always so incredible that the most mundane things just always felt so peaceful and fulfilling with him around. Talking, listening to music, laughing. I am so grateful for just how much he helped me. 

15) The time he held my hand and kissed each of my fingers while singing Vermillion, Pt. 2 to me. Ahhh, if I could bottle up how a moment made me feel and carry it around with me for all of my life, this moment would have been it. 

16) One time I had a panic attack and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close and whispered “Just listen to my voice. Just focus on my voice. Everything will be okay”. It was astonishing to me that someone who has seen and experienced some of the worst of humanity could be so gentle and have so much compassion or empathy. 

I could go on forever. I guess I can confidently say that for as crazy as he made me, he still made a really positive impact in my life. 

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 I’m ashamed I couldn’t do more to make it work, but I came on too strong too quickly. I demanded way too much attention. I just got way too fucking crazy. I would be lucky at this point if he ever even truly wanted to be my friend outside of all of this. What’s worse is I made so many threats that I’ll never know if his efforts are legitimate or out of fear. 

I can’t spend my whole life chasing the high from the beginning though. It turned into me baking him food to drop off while he plays video games all weekend, or me sitting on his bed while he games. Coming second to all his friends. He needs time to be single. He still wanted to be best friends with his ex as well. I don’t know what I did to chase him off, but I will always regret it. I may not have been the one for him, but he really felt like the one, to me.