Self analysis of some sort idk?

TW: suicide, self harm topics, questioning humanity’s clarification 

Just a yap session‼️‼️. I’m kind of candid so sorry if this is like cringy or too forward‼️‼️ 

Often I joke about suicide, ways to die, fantasizing even. I myself can’t tell if I’m genuinely joking or not. I’m scared of death, terribly terrified of the idea. However, the idea of suicide is appealing to me in an almost morbid way. Being able to die of my own volition, however I desire. I’m not sure why it has the grip like a vice on me, yet it’s one of my genuine interests. Why is it that I’m so obsessed with the idea of dying when it’s my largest fear? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s the fact I’m so terrified of everybody I talk to, it feels like I’m being pushed into a corner before I eventually have to flee. But where am I meant to flee to when there’s nowhere else to hide?

I’m unsure the answer to what “being human” is. Does that classify as having a beating heart, or having morality? From when I understood the word human, or the universal definition of it, I’ve wondered what the true meaning to that word is. Am I truly human? I’ve never felt as such. I don’t get being human. There is no definitive answer to what it is. Because the moment you do something society disagrees with, you’re not worthy enough to be a human. Murder, cannibalism, anything classified as ‘inhumane.’ But what is so special about the title of a human, that makes it so heart wrenching to lose the right to be called one? And what is the opposite of society. In Osamu Dazai’s book, No Longer Human, he questions that as well. I don’t remember what he clarified it as, but is there any definitive answer to that either? 

As much as I’ve tried, I don’t understand others or human emotions. I cry but I genuinely don’t know why. Why do we laugh, when it’s easy to just find it amusing in your head. When I laugh, it irritates me to no end. It’s an involuntary action. But why does it signal joy? I don’t know how to explain the displeasure I feel when something so trivial such as a laugh leaves my lips, or a few tears trail down my cheeks. 

Back to the suicide topic, perhaps the disgust I have for the term human prompts my morbid interest in taking my own life. I don’t wish to be tied in with those faceless, self righteous fools. Children disgust me, and the concept of somebody placing their hand on my body puts a distasteful drop on my tongue. No human can classify as a saint, no matter the circumstances. They are vile creatures, cruel and uncaring. Even if they do not act upon impulses, they were born violent. I despise any and every human. I care for my friends, but despite the layer of care I have for them I still harbor a burning hatred for their kind. I feel pinned between letting myself go, and staying practiced and attempting to blend in. I feel ostracized, and out of place. 

And perhaps that ties into my feelings for religions. I don’t care for them. I respect them, I suppose. But they hold no worth for me. If I’m not even human, am I supposed to believe that they genuinely exist? They sound silly, twisted tales of acts perceived by the media. What makes the withered pages of a bible true? Distressed as the pages may be, that doesn’t make them valid. It sounds utterly foolish to me, and the idea of a higher power is unappealing and frankly absurd to me. 

Thanks for coming to my yap session😘😛