it was for the better. but was it? (TW CSA)

every time I close my eyes I see a man in which I despise, he makes my skin crawl. 

"you wanted it" "didn't you get SA'd?" all these voices around me swallowing me whole 

people who used to be my friends use my trauma against me in which anger fuels my blood

waiting to explode. how can you not see me? how can you not see i'm hurting?

for fuck's sake it's almost been two years and im still that helpless fourteen year old screaming 

that it hurts, to stop, to let me leave that stupid fucking lexus. 

why don't people see me. 

why can't you hear me?

why do I seek comfort in people who give zero shits about me?

they always leave in the end, yes I miss them but, it was for the better

but was it? really was it?