I hate this

I'm currently at my lw and im not nearly as satisfied as I expected, I don't look like it, I feel the same if not fatter, I hate this, I knew this would happen I'm not stupid but still why. I didn't expect to be suddenly the happiest person alive cause its still far away from my gw but I wish I was happy, not even happier, I'm just not happy at all, I just feel numb and weird and it's all just so weird and sometimes I think it would be easier to just stop existing cause it's hard to live with an eating disorder but I can't live without it either so I don't have much options, maybe just disappearing would be easier