im not sure if i should post this lol

not a lot of people see my blogs n things so i think this is the best place to vent this. ive been thinking about ending myself a lot this year. n its getting worse. i feel like a pick me putting this here but i dont know who to go to for venting. but school is miserable now, i suck at math, i have no motivation to do shit, i dont fit in with anyone in my lunch so i just follow a random friend group like a lost puppy, and i think its js better if im not here. yk. like wtf do i do. i have to wait until next semester to move my schedule so i get put in a lunch with better friends, but even then those people dont think of me like that yk. and its not a "omg my bf broke up w me im killing myself." because he told me not to do that and hes a good person. its a more "im tired of years of this happening to me and no one understands my cries for help." im just trying new shit n hobbies to try to distract me because when i sit in my room too long i feel like shit, my home is great in all its just if i sit there too long i start to think too much. plus im making more suicide jokes which isnt normal me yk? n its more of a just thing im doing without thinking abt it. and i have been having to go to the doctors every month or so to check on my mental health aka a "hey so have u killed yourself yet?" like just say i need to see a therapist. they also said im positive for depression so yah. awesome. im kinda hoping for a miracle to happen cuz im so tired of ts.