self-harming

i hurt myself because even though I don't like to say it, I enjoy relaxing, I hold excessive grudges, as I mentioned in my other articles, when I'm angry, I get overly relaxed when I hurt myself, for example, the other day my friends annoyed me so much that I didn't talk to them that day, I swore at them heavily, even though we're close friends, I didn't go out with them, I didn't actually talk to them, but in the evening, I hurt myself with a utility knife, and I was so relieved that I chatted with them, laughed, or something, or they did. for example, the other day, my friends annoyed me so much that I didn't go out with them for 1 2 weeks or so, actually, I hurt myself with a utility knife, but in the evening, when I was angry, I hurt myself with a utility knife, and I was so relieved that I chatted with them, laughed, or something, or i was so comfortable that day that I did it in the following days, I'm too comfortable right now, but I can't let it go, it's comforting that I don't talk to people I hate, I also consider it brazen to talk to someone he hates, but I started talking, I didn't think about the things they did, but my friends started pinning it down as self-harm, and it started to get difficult to hide from my family, so I need to let it go, please help.