The need to “prove” you’re a victim.

Does anybody else ever just… DESIRE to be hurt? Not in a freaky or masochistic way, but in a “Yes! Now I have REAL reason to be sad!” way? I know it sounds completely fucked up. Imagine looking for something bad to happen so you can be justified in crying yourself to sleep. The amount of times I’ve wanted the adults in my life to do something worse than degrade or humiliate me so bad that it pushes me to suicide might be concerning.

My stories might sound like abuse to other people. But I just can’t see it that way because it’s so normalized in my community. I need something liveleak level drastic to happen to me or else it’s not “valid.” It’s not even like I physically feel anything either. It’s just the memories. They make me mad or resentful, and I wish I didn’t have them because they disrupt my day to day life internally. What is “trauma” supposed to even feel like?

I might be over exaggerating, or I’m just delusional. Like, I know I’m a weirdo fuck-up.. I tend to fantasize and idolize the wrong things, and find comfort in things that are socially considered disturbing. But like.. I’m not INSANE.