and just like that, i think i need professional help

i think i really hate myself.

i hate these class suspensions and clarity week. i have no family member to visit on all saints day, no close friend to hang out; everyone's far. i spent my 2 free weeks at home mostly on watching movies, staying up, sewing, eating, sleeping and watever the fuck i can do in this small flat.

i dissect myself too much it hurts my mind. im being too critical and self aware when i make decisions. maybe im just insecure or i just like seeing myself in the third person view like fleabag. i think im just really scared. i wish the weather was better here so i could walk anywhere. theres gonna be a popup soon and i really want to go. i think im overthinking too much on how to get there.

do i crave for attention? for love? or to be touched and held by the waist? i miss partying out w my friends. i want to be surrounded by people like me who just wants to dance, lose their muscles into the music and groove. a pet peeve i have that i think stemmed from social media was someone in somewhere will have their phone out recording w the damn flashlight on and itll be posted somewhere and get recognized by someone.

maybe exposure therapy is key. i hope itll solve most of my problems. my body dysphoria is coming back and its rlly upsetting me. sometimes i have the confidence to show myself and sometimes i dont and i just want to kill myself because of how i am. but i dont really know wats happening to me anymore. i think im just idle and out of order. i lied maybe a queer space will heal me (temporarily).

i hope i can go back to school cuz thats the reason why im in this place. i yearn too much for an experience that could be an act away but i dont do it. well this fucking sucks i sound like my brain talking to myself.