spamming this [TW] (4)

TW: suicide, depression

Ok it's November second.

I never realized how many suicidal people I'm around, constantly. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling good, or y'know, not suicidal. My partner(B) is extremely so, and his solution is just to hide it from me :[ A friend(S) from elementary considers it everyday, and my friend who transferred out freshmen year(R) also does. They're all such wonderful people. They're all such lovely people. B is the most wonderful partner I've ever had, he's so artistic, and I get it, why he wants to. His home life is so so terrible, but there's nothing I can do. Contacting CPS will only make his mental health worse. My friend, S. He's got good music taste, fashion taste and he's one of those guys who feel so cool, like a celebrity, in a way he is. He's really cool too, he's got a lot of stress on him, and R has like, insane mental illness. 

But my point it, all these people and more that I know feel like utter shit currently, and I can't help them. I feel so useless and it upsets me further! I wish I could magically make them.. not mentally ill. I want to be there, hang out with them and do stuff with them but it's difficult. I love seeing them, they're all so cool, and you can tell they have a bright future. I'm not currently suicidal, so I feel bad. I've been talking people out of it since I was 8, if I lost someone to it now, even if it's someone I hardly know, I'm not sure I could go on. 

This is a short one..... but, maybe it gave you some insight, or something. I'm not telling people to hide your bad thoughts (that's the worst thing you can do), but maybe try to get better, talk to someone if you love them, or you feel like they don't love you. Break up with them if they don't treat you well, try to regulate your emotions, read the room. I'm wishing you all the best

Signing off, 
Miles.