TRIGGERING? Life vent.

BEFORE YOU READ!!! 
CW: Dysphoria, Trauma, Vulgar language, and school related stress. Just a crashout post ngl

Bro....I don't even know where to start. There's like...so much everywhere to start. I just had to get this off my chest. This is mainly a vent (obviously) because my whole family is Christian, which I also believe in the teachings of Jesus, however, they take this way too extreme and they aren't inclusive if you know what I mean. I'm 15, not coming out yet, but I'm pretty much about to reach my breaking point. Just had a D1 crashout yesterday morning over some school shit, and my mom is forcing me to live with her. Signing papers for me to go to school here without fucking asking my dad first, for one. I was literally only supposed to come over to trick or treat with my brother and my cousins. She made the excuse that she cant drive 10 mins to my dads in the dark because she "doesn't want to get into an accident" but can drive 20 mins back home? Hm, oh, exactly very interesting. As well as my cat is fighting infection because she escaped and got ran over and nobody else can fucking put on her antibiotic cream and wrap her bandages because my dad is disabled and my grandma is old, and cant get around very well either. If she dies while I'm over here I'm just gonna fucking lose it. Thankfully my grandpa, my dads dad, has a wife who is a retired veterinarian of 30+ years and said it should heal, but only if we clean and dress the wound daily.  This just brought out every bad emotion in me, including dysphoric ones so I had to write this. I fucking hate being trans like why can't I just be born male? Like what's the actual point if I can't just be born the way I want to. I'll never even really be a real man, I'll just be some fucking impostor of a man, with no dick. It'll be hard to find someone who even moderately likes me. Doesn't help that I forget I'm even in a "female" body and I look more feminine in the mirror than I think I do when talking to people. Just BS. I feel like a fucking disappointment. Like, I just let everyone down. It was supposed to be perfect. My little brothers can have an older sister AND an older brother to look up to. I just feel fucking guilty taking that away from them. But at the same time, I feel like I was never even truly a girl, but I prided myself in being an older sister figure because I felt it was important to the growth of my siblings. I know my dad was happy when he found out he finally had a girl. It's just frustrating. And I hate the fact that if I ever even transition as an adult, everyone will probably fucking forget me and leave me behind, just like they did to one of my cousins who is transgender. Even if they don't, I know I will just be ridiculed. Life is so fucking unfair bro I hate this shit. I've also been homeschooled for a while, but this time I've been unenrolled for a bit while we try to find a school that will tailor to my needs (I have ADHD and severe anxiety) but my mom decided "oh I'm not getting in trouble for you not being in school" because this bitch ass counselor from the school I went to for a few weeks said I was being truant, when we'd already sent an unenrollment letter and have been working with the department of education?? Yet threatened to throw us into court. Reason being is because most schools enrollments are past due, so the woman we spoke to in the department of education told us to wait. The thing is, they're across different state lines which makes it harder and adds to confusion in communication. Now this bum ass counselor is talking Abt giving my dad the papers to sign. This fucking backstabbing hoe, shes so fake bro. I hate my mom, like she is just the epitome of control freak and manipulation. She's been trying to keep me from my dad for years. As much as my dad is transphobic, I still love him. I don't think he would enjoy if I came out to him but he certainly wouldn't disown me...I'm just deathly afraid of his reaction and if he'll even talk to me or see me differently. I've heard mentions of him saying he wouldnt know what to do if any of his kids were trans..which causes severe uncertainty. He's still my favorite parent, he's supported me as a person and I love him. This is why I'm fucking freaking out...because if she signs this thing, i'll be stuck with her 5 days a week only able to go to my dads on the weekend just like back in my younger years which makes me panic, because I'll have to relive what I used to go through when my mom was trying to keep me from my dads, and I have terrible trauma from crying every day, with severe depression in my elementary years from not being able to see my dad. God. And nobody to look after my cat. This fucking cunt bro "Oh, you can keep your cat over here" and take her away from her other family whom she loves? and oh, mom, you're allergic to cats. I'm not keeping my fucking baby locked in a room. She should be able to roam the house and lay wherever she wants. I know damn fucking well you're not gonna pay any vet bills if she ends up needing her tail amputated. "I'm not trying to keep you!!" stupid hoe my god. I know it might sound like "vulgar" language to use against your mother but shes like the fucking root of all my problems. the root of all my mental health issues. Seriously, and she wonders why her oldest son avoids going over to see her. God I miss my dad rn, and I didn't bring my fucking phone since I thought I was getting taken back home. I'm literally on a Chromebook right now as I'm typing. My little brothers birthday party is tomorrow (he's turning 13) and my dad and older brother should be coming. Hopefully they get me out of this hellhole at least for a weekend so we can counter the fucking homeschool in the state my mom lives in by quickly enrolling me in a random school in the state my dad lives in. They're probably gonna send me to the school that has fucking gangbangers with a kid who brought a gun to school, and shot someone. Ridiculous. At least it'll keep me away from this woman. This is just an everything vent at this point. I'm probably breaking multiple TOS...but...sigh..anyway. If you've actually read this far and anyone else needs to vent, I'll listen. Listening to other people also helps me. I just needed to post this somewhere, and get this all off my chest. It's been weighing on me HEAVILY.