next time mama

when i was 4 years old i went to my first funeral
my grandma had passed away
my mom read my books trying to explain what death meant 
i guess i never really got it 

when i was 6 my aunt overdosed on doctor prescribed opioids 
even then i still didn't understand 

when i was 9 my brother was driving me to school 
a cinder flew through the window crushing his skull 
his blood flew back 
staining my new dress 

it wasn't a quick death 
i sat in the back seat listening to him pray to a god he had never believed in 
it took him one hour and 13 minutes to die 
3 hours before the school called my parents informing them i was absent 
and 17 minutes after that the police pulled me from the back seat of the car

i didnt cry then 
and i wont cry now 

my eyes went blank 
my parents
the lights of the police car purple in the haze
all i could see was him 

i dont remember the months that followed
only the words
"next time mama" 
i heard them everyday

slipping through my ears as i slept 
crawling through every thought
dragging themselves out of my mouth 
"next time mama"