Crossroads: Sol ★ CNS Issue#18

Soleil, 2020 | San Diego, CA | Pre-Awakening

Most of the world had been in quarantine for months because of Covid-19 so i was using this time wisely and working on my attic apartment upstairs. I blasted mine and my mother’s favorite band, Blink-182, while singing along and painting the brick walls white. Tess, my godmother, was getting noticeably antsy and restless. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and rolled my eyes.

“No,” i said brightly in a sing-song tone. Tess groaned.

“But i’m sooooo boooored,” she complained. “Can’t we go for a walk or something? Let’s go to San Diego State, get some fresh air! We can stop and get food, have an SDSU quarantine picnic! I’ll buy!” She leaned against the part of the wall that was still unpainted, faced me, and turned on the puppy eyes.

“Good lord, woman, who is the adult here?” I laughed. “Fine. But we’re wearing masks!” Tess sighed dramatically but agreed as long as there were people nearby. I changed out of my painting clothes; i put on a long sleeved tunic, my galaxy leggings, a flowy skirt, leg warmers and boots. We got our shoes and sweaters, grabbed warm hats and our masks then made our way to SDSU. We hopped on the bus that we nearly missed then went the rest of the way on foot. We grabbed burritos and some tacos at the nearby Lolitas. I got an Horchata and sipped it slowly, enjoying the sweet vanilla and cinnamon rice drink, but shivered because it was making me colder than i already was. We chatted happily all the way to campus. When we got there, we walked straight down the center of campus on Campanile Mall Bikeway hoping that somehow no one would see us. Miraculously, no one did. We went through Hepner Hall, past Hardy Tower and to the Art buildings. We went to one of Tess’s favorite spots- the third floor of Art North, right above the ceramics studio, facing the Interstate 8 freeway.

The sky was clear and the stars were bright. The world was still, and the only lights were the houses sprinkled up and down the sides of the hills and mountains. I found a bench and Tess hopped up and sat on the wall, her feet dangling over the other side of it. I shuddered at the thought of the drop; i hated heights. We ate in satisfied silence, going for the tacos first then went on to the burritos. Tess pulled a flask out of her pocket and winked at me.

“Oh my god, what is that?!”

“My margarita,” Tess said smoothly, taking a swig. “Want a sip?” I was only 17, but I didn’t refuse. Tess’s margaritas were amazing the few times i snuck a sip from my mom’s. I drank some and handed the flask back to Tess.

“Mmmm. Did you change it?”

“Maybe,” said Tess slyly. She looked around. “Hope the police don’t catch us,” she said quietly, taking another sip.

"I wish mom was around," i looked around the beautiful, quiet campus, but i was sad. I could never talk to her aside from short texts when she wasn't driving. Sometimes she tried to video chat but she would always get disconnected.

"Hon," Tess started, "she does everything she does for you.

"I know.. that's what everyone says. But it just feels like she doesn't want me around and she does everything in her power to stay away from me." I wrapped my arms around myself and looked down.

"What?! Oh god, sweetie-" she set her burrito down, "-look at me, please." She grabbed my shoulders. I looked up and she probably saw the tears forming. "Your mom has never not wanted you. Things were hard when you came along because of circumstances, but she said you were her little light, the shining light in the darkness of those shitty circumstances. Even your father fell in love with you after a while. After everything, you made him want to be a dad. Do you understand me?" She gave me a little shake. "She always called herself the 'lightchaser' but when you were born it was like that nickname was renewed and revamped in the absolute best way. Now every time she comes home, she feels like it's not just the sun's light she's chasing, it's also you." I stared in amazement.

"Why doesn't she tell me any of this?"

"Why didn’t you tell me any of this? You two don’t like telling people when you’re unhappy, you especially don’t like telling the people you’re unhappy about. But she does everything she does because she loves you. Actually, she'd love to take you out in the truck more."

"She would?" I cheered up a bit. “She took me with her a few times.. but what happened?”

“I swear you two never talk to each other,” she muttered grumpily. I ignored her grousing and stared. Tess sighed. “She felt like you wouldn’t say no if you didn’t want to go and she didn’t want you to feel obligated.”

"I like going occasionally. But what about you? And Panto? Would you all be ok if i went out more?"

"We will be fine, we’ve been doing this for a while," Tess laughed and picked up her burrito.

"Yeah but you weren't so old," i teased.

"Rude." We both laughed.

“I guess it’s probably a great time right now, especially with the cafe being put together! Oh! I had a really great idea for mom’s sailboat! I want to use some of that inheritance money to fix it up for her.. and i want to name it ‘Lightchaser.’”

“Just say when,” Tess sniffed, her eyes filling with tears as she beamed at me.

Song | Blink 182, "Feeling This"

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★ Issue #18 ||| 11.1.2024 ★