Experience with mental illness (3)

Hallo again. Still Nov.1st, 2024.


Okay so, ermm I don't even know where to start. I've basically been diagnosed with ADHD, but that's complex. So for now here's my stupid list of possible mental illnesses/disorders I have and the criteras I meet.


ADHD
1- hyperactivity
2- inability to focus or sit still for long periods of time 
3- misdirected focus
4- sensory issues
5- anger issues
6- mood swings
7- forgetful, absentminded
8- stimming constantly
9- hyperfixations


Autism
1- poor/forced eye contact
2- sh
3- stimming (again!)
4- developed quickly/fast learner
5- small details
6- sensitive to sound
7- intense interests/special interests
8- sensory issues
9-sometimes unaware of other's feeling/ intense empathy.
additional: I think I like doing sm stuff with my hands ex: whittling, crocheting, typing, drawing because of this, if I am autistic. I also often miss social cues.


Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- avoiding abandonment
- pattern of intense and strained relationships
- sh
- impulsive behaviors ex: sex, spending all money
- suicidal thoughts
- intense moods within short periods of time. Euphoric episodes.
- disassociation 
- distorted sense of self.

 

Now that that's outta the way...

So, A lot of people with BPD experience episodes of sexual repulsion/hypersexuality, honestly I find it really interesting, not just because I experience it. They may also experience hallucinations, and emotional object permeance, [ex, I am alone physically so nobody must love me] 

It doesn't make you a bad person. I've dealt with this a lot, and my experiences are not mere as intense, but there have been times where I have a meltdown about something, I get grumpy and snap at people, we argue and I start tweaaking. All because of a small, thing. My relationship with my mother is strained, and with anyone very close attached to me. I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize my face, or my body. I am disgusted, in general with myself and I cling to anything I can find out about myself because I know so so little about him. I'm not in my own head half the time, everytime I get money I swear I'll save it to myself then I blow it all. I've ruined so many of my relationships, and I've been bullied for being autistic. None of this is easy, nor is it cute. It is so very difficult to live like this. I have favorite clothes to keep for comfort, I save things for special days and I feel so bad when I can't put out for my lovely boyfriend, when he makes a simple sex joke and I get sick to my stomach actually thinking about it. Relationships are scary, my mind moves at a million miles per hour a million different ways. I want to do so much but I have this stupid, stupid body. 

Here's a list of my favorite items bc they make me happy :3

- Earth day T shirt
- cowboy boots
- fuzzy wolf socks
- ICP t shirt
- Deftones t shirt
- Bonnie socks
- perfect circle jacket
- corduroy brown banana republic sweater with arm patches
- Eddie Bauer sweatpants
-  DnD converse
- my thick frame glasses
- Bonnie plush
- my record player
- horse PC
- catholic imagery I own
- Carseatheasrest merch I own
- my dog plushies
- hunter camo
- my deer merger blanket
- Confederate flag blanket (My dads)
- scrimshaw
- marine life
- orca t shirt
- wolf t shirt
- white plain socks
- pocket knives
- my desk lamp
- candy flavored lipglosses
- books about medical stuff and psychology
- Minecraft cat neckpillow
- teddy..
- adventure time wallet. hehe


okay that's it,............ praise be or smth idk goodnight :(

signing off, 
Miles.