8/31/2024

The subject of Life comes up frequently in conversations with friends. For example, what do you plan on doing with your future? Do you want to get married? kids? what kind of career do you want? I think, in this day and age, the answer can be a little overly obvious to me each time. I don't know. I don't know what I want, and while I think that is okay, I can't help but struggle with the idea that I'm behind where I should be. but I'm only 21, and I'm told that it's normal for me to feel that way. but I'm just, I don't know? tired? burnt out? I work a shit job and I live in a shit apartment, but at least I have income and a house to live in. I love my cat and my friends, but I think because I met them only about a year ago, they don't yet understand the front I've put up to avoid seeming so depressed. they're right, I shouldn't bedrott all day, but I'm antisocial and I need space too, right? I'm not even sure if that mindset is a good one to have. I wish I was better at managing what little time I have. They're worried I'm suicidal, and they have a right to be. I keep telling them I'm not that stupid, and I really won't, but I wonder if they haven't just realized that I struggle with coping with things. I'm only human? a part of me is just like "itll be fine, you'll feel better by next week" but I've been just feeling lower and lower as the months go by. maybe I'll get out of this exhaustive rut. anyway, thinky brain out, peace