just a vent ig (feel free to ignore)

TW: transphobic comments, self hatred, eating issues, 

So essentially i came out to my parents as trans almost 3 years ago now and the first year my mother spent it pulling the whole "you're too young to know" and then the second year she kinda just didnt say anything about it - and then this last year has been her and my dad saying they support me verbally but not actually following through on that whole "i support you" like we were talking to the therapist at like the very very very start of the year and she was like "oh maybe sit down and chat about names and pronouns" and my guy it has been 10 months and it hasnt been brough up once apart from the tranpshobic comments from both of them (and no im unfortunately not exaggerating that my father in particular has told me "I'm not doing this 'shit' under hiis roof" and has made multiple "I identify as" jokes which honestly werent funny the first time and certainly weren't funny any of the followng 20 times. my mother on the other hand doesnt seem to graps the concept that hate crimes and transphobia is a thing and acted liike me asking about a binder was choosing a path in life that i could never come back from like the second i put it on my boobs are gone forever....which is totally how that works). 

anyway thats the background to why i'm writing now, after almost crying over 3 or 4 guys at my school because i'll never look like them and the stress from my gazillion school assignments and speaking takss that im liiterally experiencing panic attacks just thinking about has finally caused me to crack and cry. and i cant be liike to my mum 'oh the thing that's making me sad is the fact im not some cis guy with a flat chest' because god forbid that wont go down well. so i have to sit there l=listening to her lists off a trillion things that really arent bothering me that much just because the VERY OBVIOUS ISSUE of TRANS CHILD WITH DYSPHORIA is not in her 'obvious reasons' list. And sure maybe it's not obvious to her but it feels more like she just doesnt care, and i cant tell her that whenever she says 'i love you no matter what' it feels like a steaming ple of bullshit because she says that yet has a lip out whenever the trans thng is brought up outside a therapists offce. and she's always like "I'm on team {deadname}" like bitch the hell you are???? WHere???? girl cried when i said in THE THERAPIST'S appointment that i wanted to be called something else because me saying that apparently feels like im saying i dont want to be their kid anymore. and can i be completely honsest i never got the trans thing with "you killed your old self". because no i'm not trying to kill her, she doesn't exist, she never has. and sure maybe as my mum would say "boy {deadname} isn't happier than girl {deadname}" i wwonder if she ever considered it was because she doesnt treat me like a boy. it's been three years and she still won't accept it, i get sneers everytime i look inthe 'boys' section at a shop.

Also i've been having problems with eating again - i would never admit it out loud but i'm super concious about my weight and my body. recently just everything feels like shit. and i havent been eating at school just water and maybe chewing gum. i mean i wouldnt call it an eating disorder i think thats too far, i'm still eating dinner though i need to stop eating stuff when i get home because that's the problem. but yknow i like the light and empty feeling i guess maybe a little more than i should i dont know. 

but yeah i hate the topic of body-image and weight  i lied to the doctors abot the whole purging thing...which i probably shouldnt have done. anyway yeah idk whether it stemmed from just gender dysphoria because of stupiid pretty slim guys, or if it was because i lowkey kinda got bullied for how i looked in grade 4 and i've never been secure in that since and then some prick made some asshole comments about it a bit ago and it'ss fucked me up again recently because of gender dyspohoria and body issues i suppose.

im so tired too, with work and ass sleep. i mean it's not liike it matter i could sleep forveere wthout waking up and still wake up tired.

im so tired.