october 30 2024

its about 5pm. im ready to throw down with someone actually.

first up, there's this girl that j started yapping about during class yesterday. apparently he asked her out and they've been talking, he really likes her, etc. and it turns out, i know her! because shes in the same choir class as me! and like she's sweet and i like her but damn if im not disappointed.

second, there is a girl in one of my closest friend groups i will call q. i don't know her super well because i only met her once or twice but i thought she was really nice and would have called her a friend. last friday i was talking in our discord server like "ohh i might ask out my crush, idk how though, i'm nervous" etc etc. q comes online and says, "oh my god, no one fucking asked. you just broke up with your boyfriend, stop moving on so fast. you're acting like a hoe."

like there are layers to this!! like 1, i had my reasons for breaking up with him [i felt like the relationship wouldn't go anywhere, i realized he was kinda mean, things were getting too serious and i'm not looking for that]. 2, did anyone have to ask? we all have our own personal channels to talk in, in that server. i was using mine. 3, we all move on at different paces?? i'm sorry that i was already kinda over him and am now free to do what i want with my love life???

third, my friend's little brother called me a slut this morning for no apparent reason? i don't really know him all that well either so i'm honestly just hurt. i can't tell if he was trying to be funny and joke with me but it kinda just sounded mean. and my friend didn't even say anything or defend me, which hurt even more.

maybe it makes me a bad person but i'm lowkey praying on everyone's fucking downfall mate. it's like, god, can my social/love life be normal for one day?

update at 10pm. i hate having crushes like this because it makes me the worst version of myself. j's fucking... girlfriend is one of my instagram mutuals and she just posted a photo of the two of them hanging out.. and i swear i'm so fucking envious and spiteful because i wish that was me. it's actually so gross and i'm such a bad person for it but god, how else should i feel?

i don't know what to do with myself. it's stupid but going past the anger all i feel is miserable. none of my crushes ever work out. all i want is to love and be loved and it's so embarrassing and undignified to seek that out the way i do.

i need to shut up now. i need to shut up or someone i know irl is going to see this and think ill of me.