more work shit.

so my manager L is becoming a buyer and my assistant manager B is becoming manager. i love them both but i cant help but be torn apart by this change. ive been at this job for 6 years and the existing dynamic was a huge reason for that.

im losing a dynamic with both of them. with L, im losing exceptional empathy and kindness in a manager. she makes people feel seen and loved. she adds humanity to an otherwise cold retail job. with B, im losing both a confidant and a source of information. as a manager, he'll be more obligated to not tell me things.

im not even becoming B's assistant manager, which i didnt even want to rlly be in the first place, but it's been bullshit L's been feeding me this whole time. "maybe we'll be able to get you more money!"

in theory, B shouldn't need an assistant bc L will take over all the ordering, and B will do everything else. so theyre splitting responsibilities instead of sharing them, if that makes sense. L will be at the annex more now, so ill see her even less.

ive been making a list of things that makes L special as a manager and the main theme is that she makes people feel cared about. Like how she bought my coworker J left-handed scissors. Or L offering to twist-tie all the flat parsley this one time after i was done bagging it just bc she remembered me mentioning earlier in the day that i had a painful cut on my finger. B would never do that. and it's not like he'd purposely not. i adore B, and him and I are similar in a lot of ways. but little things like that just wouldnt even occur to him.

L won't be dealing with the "people" anymore. her and B were constantly butting heads bc of the overlap of responsibilities. and L is so burnt out and she doesnt want to deal with the difficult social situations that come with being a manager anymore. as i said before, L makes people feel seen and loved. she adds humanity to an otherwise cold retail job. and to know that it was all at her own expense, that she never wanted to be that way, is absolutely nauseating. because shes constantly pouring from a cup thats already empty. so i feel selfish for even being upset. how can i tell her shes changed my life when i know that shes been giving me and others pieces of herself that she doesnt even have? every day she completely blows me away with her genuine concern for other people. to say that she goes the extra mile for people is an understatement. she goes the extra 20 miles. remembering little details, making compromises with people, wanting to see people thrive. she spoils us. it's inspiring. and to have that in a manager? im the luckiest person in the world. if i had known that she was suffering, i would have never accepting it with open arms. makes me feel gross and selfish. and selfishly, it's incredibly disappointing. L has changed who I am as a person, in ways that i find hard to put into words. changed the way i think, the way i exist.

and on the other hand, i almost feel like im being demoted. i feel like im being left behind. L never told me anything. 9 times out of 10, B was the only reason i ended up knowing about work-related things that eventually affected me, albeit indirectly, but affected me nonetheless. things that i deserved to know simply because im an employee at the store. and especially because L and B have pushed me to this unspoken "third in command" title. it was never an official title. more of an assumed thing because of my seniority. but the amount of manager duties I do vs other people in the department... and now ive become something they both rlly rely on, and it's not my nature to back down from that, no matter how much it affects me. it's hard to put into words, but along with everything else, this just feels like a demotion. like a big fuck you. i almost feel cheated. if i knew L wasn't going to be my manager one day, i wouldve left before that happened. ...before i was in too deep.

Over the years, B has become someone whos kept me emotionally sane, and in a completely different way than L, but still very important. he and I agree on most frustrations we have about random goings-on at this place, and we're both emotionally volatile people. yeah that was unproductive at times, but it 100% made me feel like i wasnt fucking insane. and i dont want to end up resenting B in the same way i ended up resenting L over the years when it came to things like this. as wonderful as L is in every other aspect of my life, B has always made me feel like an equal working there. like i deserved to know about things happening at the place i spend half my life (if not more) at, at the place i sacrifice my physical comfort for, at the place that has become as much a part of me as any other aspect of my existence. i had a heart to heart with B today about my concerns regarding the potential loss of our good rapport. he said he'd struggle with that too, and to please not get mad at him if he can't tell me something.