I'm such a mess (TW) (If my friends see this politely buzz off)

I feel so s**tty. I can't comfort people anymore. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable with the people I used to. I'm completely disconnected from the guy I used to call my big brother and wish he'd stop considering me a sibling. I just feel like I'm unable to be gentle anymore. I try. I try so hard. But people fight me. How am I supposed to help you if you won't let me? You talk about being the person who takes care of people, but refuse to work with me to let me help you. They joke about how s**tty they're doing and won't listen to my concerns. How do you help somebody who already thinks their life is over? TWO OF THEM? I relapsed (SH) after 66 days recently and kinda want to again. I wish I could take all the hurt people I know and fix them. Hold them close and protect them. I wish I could fix everything. But I can't. And nobody will even let me try. And I think I scared one of them into thinking I'll leave. I just can't be the sweet gentle girl I was before. I can't. It makes me so angry. I wish everything could be fixed. Their jokes about their issues aren't funny!!! They're awful!!! They won't listen to simple solutions!!! And I know mental illness clouds your vision, I've been there. But I just need to vent. It's like numb little bug:

"Like your body's in the room, but you're not really there / Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care." -Numb Little Bug, Em Beihold-

I just- I can't handle it. I hate being vulnerable now. I wanna just hide away with this one friend and play video games and watch Critical Role. Just laugh and make tier lists and playlists and do stupid challenges all through the night. Why can't I have that? Why can't I? Please? 

Songs for RN:

In Between - James Marriott
Numb Little Bug - Em Beihold
Sharpener - Cavetown
Harpy Hare - Yaelokre
Come on Apathy! - Coma Cinema
Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots