feeling kinda terrible today.....<3... (vent obviously)

just kept crying today again, it was really hard in school. I just felt like me enough to care about me and stuff, how everyone has friends and i dont.. usual thing. Just texted my best friend about how im feeling. He always supports me and gives me advice. i hope he has that today too.

it feels pretty terrible.. i dont know why.. like I try to reach out to people but i cant, because im always too sensitive or take it the wrong way. ive been crying everyday for a month now. its been really hard for me because of my lack of social life. i tried going out with my boyfriend but i just spent more money then i wanted too. I dont like going out with him anywhere now because i always have work to do and i always spend money in town anyway....---

i keep pushing him away as well. its the only good solution i can find because i did post something pretty insensitive regarding him & how he thinks of me in this situation, (how i should let go and stuff) and i just cant for some reason lol. i feel even 100% more sensitive, stupid, uglier and just a husk of some dry, crispy little twigs ready to be picked up and burned into crisp in a huge bonfire of my own actions. maybe i should take a break or something because im not feeling up to whatever he suggests anymore... (hanging out, smoking, whatever) feels like im just hanging out with a guy who hugs me and kisses me and we fuck sometimes, but thats really it. i dont wanna tell him anything because when i kinda try to or introduce it it feels really embarrassing and im kinda just shut down. Nobody has asked if im okay thank god.. i dont want to show my emotions at school or in front of anybody anymore. I just cry in my bed when my moms not home, or when she is just silently when she sleeps next to me. ive never cried in front of my mom or others without feeling judged and embarrassed, coming out of the experience never comforted by mom or just hugged and shushed that its my fault anyway and i need to fix it now now now. 

A lot of this is my fault though. trying to grow from a place that is always safe to me, like shutting others out and blaming them for how i feel.. it all feels natural because its what ive known. i wish i could be different but this behavior always comes back. how terrible. it feels like a bad dream that my body is numb and so are my eyes, and imalways fixated on how alone and fragile and stupid and sensitive i am. 

but maybe bad times like this dont last right? this will be the last time i feel and act this way ?.

sorry for being so depressing today.. just had to let it out ~

buh bye 

- cupid