volatile

it makes me so angry not knowing whats going on in my head. its unfair how clear my thoughts are on some things but then for the rest its blink and youll miss it. why the fuck should i miss it? theyre my thoughts. why cant i find them where i think they should be? why arent they where i can see them?

then theres the people. god the people. people who ask people who want to know people who think they have a right to know. sure sometimes they do have a right but to what extent? they dont even know. why should they know something even i dont fucking know abt?? frustrating. frustrating and irritating and downright idk the word. it feels like getting shoved down a hole thats too small or getting pushed into one thats so big i cant stop myself from falling. why did u make me fall? who told u to make me go through that? ego? pride? self-righteousness?

and i get it. i hate it when idk whats going on w ppl too. but i have half the mind to just let them do whatever the fuck they want w that coz they have to. the same way i have to. its not fun. its not like filing a cabinet. i cant remember and sometimes i dont want to remember. the thing u asked for mightve already been burned to ash before u even knew it existed.

idk either idk. it makes me mad that idk. it makes u mad that u dont know but at least u dont have to lie awake at night w the knowledge that u dont know despite having all the ability and assets and resources to know. i should be able to know. i rlly should. but i dont. its me and i dont even fking know