spilling my feelings

I usually don't talk about my feelings with not even the closest people I know because I'm not used to it. I grew up unable to talk to anyone about things. I usually drown my head with music to avoid this lol.

I'm simply too scared to put out my thoughts now, but I feel like spilling out my feelings here right now because I don't have many people to talk to and I don't want to bother anyone. I'm not trying to be edgy or anything. I'm just genuinely tired.  

I've had a very hard childhood. Growing up has been very tough for me.. It still is. I won't specify why or what I've been through, I don't want to put that here. 

I never really had a childhood, my life was hard from a very young age. It hurts me that I have the capability to remember everything. It hurts me that the emotional and mental aspects are still going on. I am really drained and exhausted and every day feels like a loop, being stuck in this house and trying to make it on to the next day. I feel like I just want to shut down and give up. It hurts knowing that 17 years of my life has been wasted, that my youth has been wasted. That when I'm older I have nothing to look back on except for pictures of the rare times of my happiness. I constantly take physical photos during good memories, It's a physical copy and reminder of the rare good things in life. 

I'm really tired. I feel like I've lost my spark. Usually I'm able to bottle everything up and publicly appear perfect but I can't do it anymore, I'm falling apart. Am I Gods ragdoll? Is my purpose just for Gods entertainment? I have never done wrong to anyone, or at least I definitely try not to. What did I do to deserve a rough life? 

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those teenagers who got to live out their childhood and teen years. I'm jealous of the teenagers who were able to grow up with understanding and caring parents. I'm jealous of the people who are able to be themselves. I AM TIRED. I am exhausted! 

I've been a good kid for my parents. I don't take risks, I barely hang out with friends, I constantly adjust my personality around them to fit what they want, hell I've given up my entire childhood for their happiness! BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH! I am never enough for them. They always want more, they don't see how much I've given. I'm tired of it! 

When can I finally be me around them?! When can I go out with friends and finally be included in after school things? When can I be comforted and cared for? When can I finally live. I'm talking beyond the silly situation of being restricted from things, when CAN I LIVE?!

I am restricted from everything! Not allowed to drive, not allowed to get a job, not allowed to hangout with friends, I constantly get criticized for eating when I'm in good shape, I'm not allowed to walk anywhere, I can rarely go places alone/with friends, I have missed out on every experience possible. If I don't do my homework I get in trouble, but when I do it they get angry as well. If I don't talk to them about my life they get mad but when I do they get angry for the smallest reasons. They get mad at me because I stopped asking to hang out with friends because the answer was always a fat NO! Every day at home is a long stupid argument. It's so bad to the point where my fight or flight is always on. I'm always paranoid or anxious. What's my solution. I'm not asking for much, am I? 

I'm a good kid I've never caused trouble. Is it too much to ask to be treated like I'm 17 and not 7?! When will they realize that I'm not a child anymore! 

I feel guilty as well. Maybe the abuse that I'm upset about is silly. People have it worse than I do. I feel guilty of how upset and angry I am when there are others who have worse situations than I do. But I can't help feeling this way. I don't want to feel like this. 

I felt like my friends are drawing away from me even though I'm the one who's been unconsciously doing it, I finally realized that. It's my fault for separating myself. But I don't mean to... I just am having a hard time. I don't want them to be upset with me. I'm trying my hardest to go back to how I was so that they don't have to be worried or upset with me. I love my friends so much, the way I've been recently is breaking me because they don't deserve that. I'm so thankful for them and so appreciative with them being patient with me. 

I should be my usual happy self even when life gets rough because that's who I am and what I do. I keep it together so that everybody else doesn't need to.

I just feel like nobody truly cares about me. Sure some people ask about me but it doesn't feel like they genuinely care. I go through everything by myself. I can only dream of a hug, or comforting words. I'm trying my best to keep up with the speed of life. It's tough for everyone. I just wish people would understand how hard I'm trying.

Don't even get me started about trying to keep up with school and teachers who dgaf. I'M NOT A ROBOT. I AM A PERSON. WITH REAL FEELINGS. IT SEEMS NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT.

I speak 3 languages, I play advanced piano, I play guitar, I sing for crowds at festivals, I sing FOR my parents' church, I've done competitive swimming, mma, I bellydance, I'm on a dance team, I have good grades, I'm my moms therapist basically, I do so many things I can't even list it all. IS THIS NOT ENOUGH?! YOU STILL WANT MORE OUT OF ME?! I AM EXHAUSTED.

Even though I'm drained, I'm okay. Upset and angry, but okay. I can't wait for the future and to make the most out of it! I am positive that finally, after 17 years, my future is finally almost here. 

Please God, please give me a break. Please let me have some decent luck, or something good in my life that lasts. 

I'm okay, don't want to concern anybody. I just wanted to spit the thoughts in my head out, lol.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO MY TED TALK.