ADHD

ADHD is a hell. It's not a superpower. If I had to sum ADHD in a sentence or two, it would be it's about forgetting everything except the things you actually want to forget. It's about not being able to focus, too.

Dude, I lost my Airpods AGAIN. Two days ago. It's FUCKED because I had them right in my ears. I was listening to something while I was brushing my teeth. Then my case started making that horrid repeating sound it does every now and then. Easy. Just shove the case between some wash cloths to shut it up. Then I went to the living room. I had to call my baptist health to ask if any of my medication would pass a drug test for a job interview. I disconnected my Airpods for this, put them somewhere, and then I completely forgot where after I was done with the call! WTF!!!! I did miss a night of one of my pills because I thought I had ran out. Stupid. I forgot everything.

I'm looking everywhere for it and I can't find it! The last time I lost it, the case, it ended up in the laundry. One load of laundry done later. Nope. Not fucking there. I'm turning my room upside down tossing all my clothes onto my bed to see where I could have put it. Find My iPhone. It's not connected to either of my iCloud accounts. It was connected to my old one because I use it to download a paid app on my phone sometimes... My iPad is connected to my old iCloud. Nope. It won't connect to my Airpods.

Fucked up. I need so much help. I can't clean my room because all the stuff I have is 'sentimental' to me. I have this magical thinking that this book I have will change my life, even though my ADHD lowers my attention span to the point that I never finish books.

I can't blame everything on my ADHD, though. I realize I really need to learn the value of my possessions. I'm going to tell you some things I've lost.

*My old ass second generation Airpods. Both the case and the earbuds. I had to replace the case three times.

*Two Apple pencils.

*My Kobo Libra 2 that I got this year on the last day of a fucking cruise

Way more crap. Still. Why does there seem to be so many people who want ADHD?! "We all have a little bit of ADHD in us." "Neurospicy." People listening to audios to give you it. People making "trans disabilities" labels. I sound like a bigot talking about that, but no there's a whole niche where people try to change their race and develop disabilities through affirmations on YouTube. *FACEPALM*

Now I have this entire mess to clean in my room. I bet I won't even find my damn Airpods. Tomorrow I have a job interview for a CNA job. I really hope to get rid of some things in my room. Get rid of some clothes, definitely most if not all those books because I'll NEVER read them. I have this whole anxious thing in me that a human couldn't possibly read all those books in a lifetime. If only I still had that Kobo Libra 2. I have many electronics to save up for because I've lost them. 

ADHD sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hope I find those Airpods even though they're already fucked to begin with. I ruined the right ear by dipping it under water. It had fallen into a sink. Now every time I try to use one of the audio modes, it'll let out a high pitched noise that makes you want to end yourself. It'll then sound very metallic, like you're wearing braces or something and I don't even have braces!

How amazing my Airpods were:

I really got addicted to those Airpods. They're like my kryptonite. Before I got them, I was relying on these very crappy, old original Airpods that I'm forced to use right now. It was awful using them during car rides because I had to put my elbow against the window and hold the right Airpod against my ear canal so I could at least hear something. I came home from vacation a few days after the Fourth of July. I thought I had lost my Airpods when I was on one of my walks. I couldn't find them anywhere. I left a post about it in my neighborhood's Facebook group and went with the impulse decision to buy used Airpod Pros 2 from Amazon, the first big financial decision I've done completely on my own. I found my first Airpods anyway.

I hid it from my dad and his then-wife. I counted down the days until the package arrived. I didn't want it to arrive where they could see it. The day finally arrived... I took it from its package and I connected it to my iCloud with no problems.

The sound difference was amazing. It made a world's difference. All those modes - transparency, adaptive, noise cancellation. I could be in a car and NOT have to shove my Airpod into my ears. Mt bedroom is directly next to my dad's and he always watches television with the volume cranked all the way up. With a tap of my Airpod, I could use the noise cancellation to tune it out.

I stayed two nights with my best friend and her room is across from the game room where her brothers were playing. The noise cancellation was heavenly. I'm the kind of person to walk around my house and imagine crap while listening to music. It was a good three months before everything got ruined when it got damaged by water. You never know how good you have it until you lose it. The night I lost my Airpods, I was freaking out and trying to find some earphones. I couldn't even find my original ones. I dug through my drawers after I remembered I had wired earphones in a package. I think my dad got them from Temu. I found it and hooked it to my Mac. My brother was watching TV so I played brown noise to block out the sounds. :(

The best thing to do with it was to just block out stuff I didn't want to hear. My brother yells at me often and I could just shut him up with the noise cancellation mode. I did it even after they got water damaged. They've been damaged for about three weeks now.

I'm going to clean my room as best as I can and then I'm going to ask my dad if we could use my bank money to buy a new pair of Airpods. They're too good to give up. I get threats of getting kicked out a lot. I have two debit cards - one I got when I was sixteen from my mom, and the other I got from when I worked at Dairy Queen, from my dad. I have this letter that tells me I have roughly $2,750 in my bank account.

I don't meant to sound cringe by complaining but I really want independence and it seems very impossible. All because I didn't try driving when I was sixteen. My brother has his car and he can drive to wherever he wants. I was bought a car but I'm never given the chance to drive. My dad always uses my dirty room as leverage for that and even when it's clean, he uses other excuses. Oh, I had a long day of work. I just want to sit back and relax because I have to wake up in a few hours for another day of work! I have no control over anything. I don't even have control over my bank account. Somehow when my dad made the accounts for my brother and me, he put my name under my brother's name. We're twins, by the way. So even if he tried to get my name off he couldn't unless he had my brother with me. A few months ago, my brother and I went inside the bank to get it straightened out but it failed because I forgot my ID.

I don't fear my family will go into my account and steal my money. It's just fucked I have all that money I can't access. It's usually for the better, but I've been wanting to buy new Airpods for a long time now and I can't even use my own money. I'm trapped in this house all day long. I cause problems and crap. I don't understand anything.

My mom left me when I was fifteen. Three years off from being an adult. Mm, yeah, sure, but it was during COVID and I'm autistic and have ADHD and fuck ass else. I am SO alone. I don't know what to do or how to get from here to there. I feel like there's a huge ass list of life skills one needs to learn to be an adult and I can't find them. Literally, I've looked. I can't understand anything. It fucks me up to think I'm screwed mentally and predestined to be a failure. I don't want to do that. I want control over my thoughts. I hate my stupid immature childish special interests and I hate the way my brain works. It scares me I won't be normal.