envy

I recently got a new classmate in my class and he openly identifies himself as a Nazi—a conviction that disgusts me to my core, as I detest every belief and action associated with that horrific past. He's got this harsh, abrasive way about him. Rude, brash, even to the strictest of our teachers—he talks back, defies authority, and somehow always comes out unscathed. It’s infuriating, really, I can't stand him ONE BIT. But here’s the paradox I’m struggling with: while I despise him and everything he stands for, I can't help but feeling JEAULOUS about him. He possesses this audacity, this iron resolve, that lets him walk over others like it’s nothing. It’s a trait I’ve only dreamed of having, if only to cut through my own shy, anxious nature. I keep to myself, carrying an ever-simmering rage that rarely has an outlet. I’ve never had the courage to confront people, let alone be blunt or demanding. The frustration is endless—why does someone so repulsive get the boldness I wish I had? Why does his vile belief fuel a confidence while I can’t even mutter to ask a simple question in class? Part of me wishes I could channel that audacity, standing up for myself without losing sleep over every glance or word. Yet, I feel shackled by the very anger he evokes in me.

Please don't get me wrong, I hate everything about him and I DO NOT support anything he says and does.