Story (part 1/? Idk if im making more but its gay!!)

Sup y'all, Its 3 am for me rn and I can't go back to sleep - and I looked at my blog and saw that you guys liked how I described some trauma in story form! ^w^ Thanks to all of you who gave kudos btw lol. Today (or tonight idfk) I was going to just start writing because maybe that will help me go to sleep. This is fiction though some of it is from personal experience. TW: Abuse  Mention, Weed mention, big sad

*On some level, I think I always understood -That these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever. And I tried to do the best that I could,But try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to hold you*

I laid in my bed, tossing and turning underneath my blanket. Blanket was a loose term, it had been a thin throw blanker that she had bought me from family dollar, and every night I'd wake up cold - it was going past the fall months and into winter. This time I shifted to my back, staring at the ceiling that oh-so-conveniently looked like I was in fucking school. Even in my dreams I couldn't escape that hell. My name is Juno, and I'm 15. I have dark green hair and pronouns - so heteros watch out or I'm gonna turn your kids gay or something. 

*It's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest.With this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful.There is love that doesn't have a place to rest,but it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders*

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath - only to choke on the stench of weed wafting to my room from my moms room. I lived with her, no dad, no siblings, just her, me, and the dog. My mom had told me she was basically a master at smoking now, telling me that she started at the age of 15 - and Imma be honest a joint doesn't sound that bad. My mom wasn't nice either, yeah I bet that's a shocker, she yelled at me all the time and struck me often. My like for living had gone down significantly over the years since I was seven. I coughed slightly, I was getting used to the thick smell by now. I turned to my side again, picking up my phone as quietly as I could as I kept an ear out for any movement on my moms part. My grey eyes stared at the time on my phone. '3:06 AM, October 27'. A smile creeped onto my face as I thought of Lance. It was my boyfriend's birthday today! I sent him a text, though I knew he would be asleep by now. 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH I WISH I COULD BE THERE!' I sent the text. Time marked 3:08.  Yeah, if I didn't mention I was deeply in love with this guy my friend Trent introduced me to. But he lived just about an hour away, well, about an hour and thirteen minutes to be exact not counting traffic. I loved Lance with every fucking bone in my body, and it hurt to wake up every morning and go to school, knowing that I would never see his face unless my god forsaken mom would let me go to his house once every month. News Flash, she wouldn't, and I doubted she would anytime soon. 

*On some level, I think I always understood that a ship could never really love an anchor.So, I did the only thing that I could and severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor.*

I set the phone down, sitting up in bed - now not caring about the noise. If I could smell weed all the way from the second floor then she was probably high out of her mind and sleeping. I pulled up my white thick socks some more and adjusted my friday the 13th pajama pants as I stood up and walked to my window on quiet feet - a habit of mine(thx mom! Xoxo). I moved the curtain aside, gently lifting the window up when I heard my phone vibrate, it was just the weather but I decided to take it outside with me. 

*There are times when I still wonder about you. You are someone I have loved, but never known. And you'll never see the reasons I had for keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you.*

As I stepped outside onto the slanted portion of roof, cold autumn wind blew against my chest. I took a deep breath, clearing my lungs. The edges of my mouth tilted up in a smile. I sat down, setting my phone beside me as I clutched my knees to my chest. The sky was so clear tonight. The moon was almost full, just with a sliver or two missing. The black backdrop of the sky made it stand out even more, the stars just giving to its beauty. The moon was actually so bright today, that it casted shadows on the things on Earth. Light poles and trees now stretched out, same with the cars that passed on the nearby road. I looked at the stars again, mentally pointing out Orion and his belt, the dog star Sirius, the big and small Dipper, and I was lucky enough to see a bit of the milky way tonight. I felt happy, for a moment. 'He should be here with me.' That insufferable thought wormed its way into my head. I glanced at the empty space on the roof beside me, my phone sitting there. I rested my hand over it, pulling it closer. I looked up at the sky again. I imagined every gust of wind being his hands. Tracing my jawline, caressing over my bare chest and flowing down my arms to my hands,through my hair. I held both my arms out, my hands open. I closed them, closing my eyes as well. I imagined holding his hands. Today, they wind carried no moisture, so they were dry, like chalk. I closed on open air so gently, for fear of the chalk crumbling down and away. But when I opened my eyes, his hands were not there holding mine. I loved him more than the moon loved the sun. I felt the love in my chest for him more than I could feel gravity itself. I brought my arms closer to my chest, and held them there. I sat on my portion of roof, crying, until I couldn't. One day he would sit here next to me. And one day I would be able to show him all the love I yearn to give.

*I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel. I am all the things they might have said to you. Do you ever think of me and my two hands? And wonder why they never soothed your fevers? And wonder why they never tied your shoes? And wonder why they never held you gently? And wonder why they never had the chance to lose you?*

(NAH ITS 4:10 IN THE MORING DAWG WTFF!!)