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trigger warning i guess!! if you dont want to see me whine about my lack of friends and a few mentions of suicide something just dont read

hello guys . todays topic is a little depressing but here,

i know its so pathetic and cliche lol but you should b super grateful for ur friends (unless theyre terrible mean and conniving little bitches) but most of the time, you should not take them for granted.. i mean

i just feel really alone.. because i only hang out with my boyfriend.. and obviously he has other friends so i just do stuff alone and feel like a loser. i feel like a hedgehog kind of like, when people try to approach me nicely i just poke my spikes out because its all im used too and because of my past experiences with a different group of friends

but maybe im maybe making excuses? for the way i act, and why i am this way. If i tried and being more nicer, and made the first move and asked people for their insta or snap and stuff, maybe i wouldnt be so alone lol. my mom and my teachers dont like my attitude. but i dont mean it. sometimes i sound rude when i really cant control my tone or my volume. i really wish i could so i can be more self aware. i just feel like shit now because i cant. my tbd autism makes it difficult for me to communicate too. sometimes i want to shut the whole world out, everyone i love because i feel safe by myself. but at the same time i want somebody by my side too.

sometimes i feel a crushing doubt. that nobody really likes me for who i am except my boyfriend and other friends who live in a different town. i dont even have online friends really..... and you know? everyone has their respective friend groups and stuff. i feel like an intruder to something already established. im so different from everyone else. i was trying to make some friends on friday at school.. sat with this girl in my math class and her friendgroup. they were talking about who they got taken to homecoming by. But everytime i talked i was either ignored or just nodded too. So i understood that i wasnt supposed to be there, but they didnt want to exclude me so they acknowledged me enough to be noticed but not enough to be friendly.

and i really feel some social anxiety.. sometimes i catch myself staring at people and their friends wondering how they have so many friends in classes.. they always talk to someone in the hallway.. their desk.. english.. history.. math and so forth. i dont even talk to people i sit next too 50% of the time. maybe i need to change that? and like, my old friend group ahh its a terrible situation. they did some fucked up shit and it really impacted the way i see friendships.. like a distraction because theres no point. .. they just end up as bad people anyway.  and i feel their eyes like judging me somehow. they have established a whole new friend group to replace the broken one last year, and i have nobody but my boyfriend. I have nobody, and nobody has me. and i will just die that way if i want.

  sorry if you find this too serious.. ive just had to get it out, how i feel. but obviously ithe internet may. not be the best place. sorry if i made you uncomfortable but i did give you a warning .. ( Ꙭ )

.  ︵︵︵︵︵ ♡♡ 、、☆ ﹨﹨

- cupid