Why I Love Nostalgiacore/ Weirdcore (sorry for getting emotional lol)

Play for background music! (The music wouldn't autoplay so this will have to do T-T)

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What do you feel when you look at this picture?

What about this one?

Some people describe a sense of unease when looking at images similar to these. There's a sort or heaviness behind images that fit the weirdcore/ dreamcore/ nostalgicore aesthetics. (I'm so tired of using core for everything T-T). Sure, the images are bright and happy, but some would feel a sense of dread behind them. Like a repressed bad memory. Something your brain is trying to forget. Even the first image, which both doesn't exist and is literally physically impossible, pulls at the back of your mind like it's a memory just out of reach. Your brain is telling you you've been there before but won't let you know when and why.

That feeling is what draws me closer to the idea of nostalgiacore. From my profile alone, one can tell that I enjoy some odd themes (it's clown themed in case someone sees this after I change it). Dreamcore has a disturbing comfort that I love to feel yet can't stand to think of for too long.

I've always longed for the past. When I was a kid and everything was easier. When the world was brighter. When I woke up and wanted to actually do something. I had a whole day planned out in my head. I could go to school and hang out with friends. I had an old samsung phone with a slide out keyboard that I would use to call my mom when I was forced to go to my dad's (i have a wonderful step father now that I call dad, just so nobody's confused about my profile lol).

I think that the reason I want to go back so badly is because of the things I didn't get to do. I wish I could go back and remind my mom about that girl scouts meeting we had missed. I was never in the girl scouts because we had missed that one meeting. I want to go back and hug my mom again, back when hugs felt full of love. She would bend down on her knees and hold me and all I could feel was real true love. I wish I had started a hobby sooner. I feel like I'm too old to learn how to draw or to dance or something special.

Today, I work in a law office. I wake up at 5, got to work until 5, go to bed at 10. Wash, rinse, repeat. Forever. Is this what life is supposed to feel like? I don't think I feel much at all. I can't remember the last time i genuinely felt excited to do something. Am I supposed to have friends? I can't even remember what having friends feels like. I mean I'm close to people, but I don't think I talk to anyone outside of work. I'm only 22, but I feel like all the good moments in life are already gone. I didn't date in highschool. Did I miss out?

When I go to bed at night, I lay back and close my eyes, but I don't go to sleep. These questions ring in my head like a clanging bell. Why did I end up here? What would I have to had done differently to get a future where I actually feel fulfilled with my life. 

Anyways, I'll stop rambling and get to the point. I just had to put some stuff out there, you know?

Images like those up there, the ones about a childhood I desired to have, give me a disturbing type of comfort. They give me a painful peace. For a moment, I stop existing in the real world and can go to a comforting place in my mind. I have many gaps in my memory from childhood (probably just from getting older), so I can fill them in with my imagination. 

I probably sound crazy. I mean, these are just images. Just pictures from google. I can't really describe why it does what it does to me. I just feel this way. And that's why I love it so much. It simply gives me the feeling of simply not existing, or at least not existing the way that I am. An outlet for all the feeling I repress every day. I doubt anyone in my life knows how I really feel. I don't think I could ever tell them, either. I'll just hold onto my funny little images and try to make it to Friday.

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Thanks for reading this rant lol. I just felt like putting something out there. Maybe it's a cry for help lmao. And sorry if there are spelling mistakes XD I'm both dyslexic and was crying the whole time when writing. If anyone else feels this way too, message me! maybe we could be friends? ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ (Also sorry if this is in the wrong category, I didn't know where to stick this thing lol)

Goodnight <3