College Sucks.

.v

College sucks. I don't know if other people feel this way, but college sucks for me. 

I'm a freshman in college, 10 weeks in and it lost it's minimal luster. I wasn't too sure about going in the first place, but my parents wanted me too and I needed time to figure myself out, so I went. College doesn't suck because the classes are different and the work too hard, not because of the people either. College sucks because I have never felt more alone in my life. 

I have always been one to struggle with making friends. I haven't authentically made a friend on my own in years. I can't talk to people I don't know well and I still don't know how to start conversations. I have spoken to people in my classes, I don't think they dislike me, but I don't really think they want to be my friend either. Which is fine, people don't have to want that. I don't expect people to come to college to make friends. 

I'm not upset with anyone. It's just hard when you spend a whole summer with people telling you how great it'll be, coercing you into going to something you're not sure you really wanted. I've never wanted much of anything though. I think I just want to stop taking up space in people's lives. 

College as an institution doesn't suck, probably, but it sucks for me. I feel like I've spent my whole life begging for people to like me. I think college has me sick of trying. I have this two and a half hour break in my schedule where I sit in the common and eat my lunch. I feel like shit when I do. I didn't at first but it just weighs on you, everyday you sit there are watch everyone else hang out with people.

it's terrible because college takes up most of my time and energy, and I've only got one real friend anyways. Most of the time I'm too tired, stressed, or broke to do anything fun with that one person. I'm not close with my family and I feel like no one wants anything to do with me anymore. 

Am I the only one who feels like college is worse than high school? And I hated high school. I was a loser in robotics and marching band with only a couple friends getting bullied and hate-crimed in a shitty farm town, and I still think college made things worse. It's all just so lonely(?) like this bitter emptiness, like I can't take being by myself anymore.

TLDR; Guess I'd rather be back in hell if it meant I had friends again.