North Gaza is burning

it’s been a year of genocide.

i’m especially angry at attempts to obfuscate what the problem with humanity is. look at me, and tell me you believe “the problem is the way people think.” that’s bullshit. or, no, sorry, before you misunderstand, look at me, and tell me you believe, “the (only) problem is the way people think,” or even, “the (primary) problem is the way people think.” and look, again, before you misunderstand, i’m not saying we can’t do more to hold ourselves responsible or accountable for others, i’m not saying it’s not necessary to care about people, because it is, i’m saying, that ideology is often the thing that matters the least. name any problem. okay? name any problem. call it out; capitalism, colonialism, hell, even the helium shortage, okay, and what you will find is many people who have a dazzling array of opinions about what we should be doing, and not enough doing. two people i thought were my friends, one called a coping mechanism that has never affected the way i’m there for others disgusting, and other one, separately, told me that my feelings about my abusive parents betrayed that i’m looking to burden other people’s lives to run away from my own, even worse, that i’m actually going to colonize other peoples’ lives to run away from my own, and i’m not. (how do i know? i have people who hold me accountable, and who inspire me to hold myself accountable. those are my real friends.) i’m not saying i’ve never done anything wrong, either.

here’s what i’ve done wrong:
- i haven’t done enough for Palestine.
- i live on stolen & occupied Tongva land.
- and so on. there are many, many things i’ve done wrong,
but the things i’ve done wrong aren’t mental. they aren’t in my head. they’re material. it’s actions i take, or don’t take, that matter. i am sleeping on someone’s dead body, or the space they once lit up with their love, and you want to tell me the problem is the way i think?

my ex was a philosophy addict (and i can make that joke because he was a real addict, too, which i’m neutral about, and an asshole to me, which i’m not neutral about). one time he asked me and another friend if bad intentions matter more than good actions, specifically, he asked us if we thought that saving someone’s life, if they were dying, was bad if you did it because it benefitted you somehow and not because you truly cared. both me and my friend immediately shook our heads no, and i actually laughed, because not only is “good and bad” a useless, reductive, colonial (!) binary, but because in this hypothetical, someone was dying. now they get to live out their full life however God intended. everyone impacted for the better, materially, by that selfish decision might not even care why it happened. i think about this, and i think about how cruel my ex was to me, and how pointless it was, because it didn’t benefit him to be cruel, either, i think about how cruel we are to Palestinians, and i think, god, with bodies hanging from electrical wires in North Gaza, maybe, just maybe, we need more people to make really ‘selfish’ decisions. the kinds of selfish decisions that save lives.

i’m accustomed to making selfish decisions. i’m an asshole. sure, i might be somewhat empathetic, i might, in fact, be haunted by the shit i’ve been through, the shit i’ve seen, but i’m an asshole. i have the type of autism most people who don’t know me, and many people who do know me, mistake for sociopathy or narcissism (stop calling colonialism narcissistic, by the way. it’s ableist, and yeah, pointless). i’m somewhat empathetic, but i’m also dissociating all the time, to the point where it’s like i’m high while sober, all the time, and the coping mechanism that one person was so put off by?; it’s that i’m a little clown sometimes, i’m a little unserious, i like to make myself and others laugh, sometimes, and i like to lean into absurdity to avoid choking on the horror, sometimes (but i can tell you it’s never gotten in the way of my being there for others because it’s when i’m there for others that i drop the act and it’s also when i’m the most human). and i’m self-centered, and individualistic. want me to keep going? and i do get overwhelmed by how many people need help, and how many people there even are, there’s 8 billion of us, and i do get overwhelmed by a lot. i’m an asshole. trust me. and you should also trust that if more people were willing to humanize themselves enough to let themselves - and others, goddammit - be overwhelmed or reluctant or ‘selfish’ while doing something that might otherwise be revolutionary, we might have more revolutionaries. if we had more human beings involved in this fight instead of wannabe-saints, humanity might be stronger and perhaps ironically more ‘good.’ save your angels, i want to work with people! being entirely selfless after years of propagandizing is impossible, caring after being taught not to is necessary but slow work, and if we can’t discern between flaws and harm and harm and abuse we are doomed. i would so much rather people break out of their conditioning because it will benefit them to do so than not at all. i would so much rather people do something than nothing. you want me to list my reasons i’m intentionally participating in collective liberation, or, trying my absolute fucking best to? those reasons primarily boil down to my want and even need to be human. and to be with human. it’s not saintlike, it’s honest. honesty is necessary, in this world of lies. the problem isn’t the way people think. it’s that people think, instead of do.