Maybe I've Been Going About This All Wrong

Heeeeyyyyyyy megabusters!!!! Long time no talk, sorry, you know what the deal's been.

You read the title, lately I've been unsure of the way I've carried myself for the past year or so. As college got progressively more difficult, I found myself isolating myself from people that I was close with. I would say "oh, I only have like 7 real friends" and then name off some names. Then it'd be 6, then 5, then I'd find myself somewhere earlier this year saying that I would call my wife my only friend. I kept trying to find things to hate about people who loved me, trying to prod at it and justify my trust issues by saying "see, you do X or Y or Z, that shows you really don't care about me!" when... no? That is not how friendships have ever worked?

And I say all this, right? Constantly belittling the people closest to me and diminishing their value while, at the same time, overlooking the really damning things that the people I would say were really "my friends" would do to me. They tried isolating me; justifying and rewarding me for not hanging out with my friends as they shamed me for not hanging out with their friends enough and that prioritizing the people I've known for years over the people I've known for a couple months on a basic level was "tearing up their friendgroups" and I internalized that selfishness. It came out as self-loathing and detachment from everyone as I kneeled over with my ass bent to heaven to appease them.

But, a few weeks ago I said fuck it. I asked some friends to hop on call and just do some nightly gaming. We kicked it off, got along, caught up, got excited for how we'd probably be able to meet up at Frosty Faustings, and generally had a really, really good time!!! And I sat there after it was over and realized that this was what I was missing! This was it, real friends! Friends who listen to me and will argue with me and will fight with me because they want the best because they love me! They're so goddamn selfless and, after spending so long trying to dance like a court jester to the selfish, it was a breath of fresh air.

So no, I'm not the biggest hater. I'm not alone. I will trust the recommendations my friends give me from now on. If you were on this page to hear me complain and nod agreeingly, you might find yourself nodding in a different way from now on. I plan to love and support everyone who got me here, not the crab bucket of mercury-drunk emperors that expect me to try on their new clothes and pretend it helps.