tell them that I realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone

24/10/24

something historic happened today

and if we had done it, where would we be now? in the backseat? or exchanging kisses instead of glances? and who would get hurt? 

i wish, for your sake, i wasn't so selfish. i wish i was kinder. and i wish that when you wanted to change, everyone would go along with it. i want to be kinder and i want everyone to let me do that rather than always expecting the worst form me. cause i am the worst and that's what i deserve. 

you are sapping the joy out of this 

this is why i need a reset. i wish no one knew me and i could start again. i hate who i've become and i'm too torn up and battered for a 17 year old. an 18 year old, maybe. 

and i'm sorry i always let you down. and i'm sorry i'm so cruel. and i hate me too 

it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love 

or 'i lie for only you and i lie well, halleluh'

and now i'm withholding information. i mean, he's not asking and i wonder if he suspects but i haven't done anything. would they agree?  

so now, at a reunion, your wife, beautiful, opposite. is that where you want me? suffering more than necessary. cause if so, same. my punishment is this 

maybe this is purgatory 

maybe we were both right 

it's only getting harder 

hope you're all ok 

yours truly, miss misery