rant

i split on my favourite person today, not sure what to do anymore. itll go back to normal when i see them again most likely, but for now i am so filled with sadness anger and hate. i resent them. and its not fair, because partially its not their fault. but for some reason i am reading them as malicious and they have betrayed me. i feel like i do so much for this person, so when plans we made weeks in advance are blown off, leaving me to pay and suffer, i feel as though i have been wronged, and i am hated and deserve death. more so now than ever i am feeling hopeless and like there is no point in continuing my suffering. this intense feeling has persisted all week, alongside a headache and vomiting, with lack of appetite.  the anti depressants i was prescribed do not work so i have stopped taking them as of last month or a little more so than that. im eager to try antipsychotics but i am waiting on psychiatrist approval and i do not see her again until late november. i have picked up extra shifts at work, and spent my week rotting in my bed. my whole body aches when i lay down, and when i am standing. i feel like im wasting away and im not sure whats going to kill me first. whenever these episodes manifest and last i always find my mind wandering, wondering if my own heartbreak will kill me - because it sure feels like it is eating away at me the longer i feel this way. i have been forcing myself to go out, in hopes something awful takes me out of my misery. but i realized at my most recent visit to the train station that they have people watching the tracks, and the police will be called should i lay on them and enjoy a view of the sky. sometimes i go there just to ruminate and wonder if i should do it. i think my next trip will be getting on a random train and going anywhere with a dead phone, no money, no nothing.