my desperation for independence

TWW// so I’m probs going to private this soon, but this vlog is super long and it goes into like my intrusive thoughts, my bad memories. Tw for abuse, bullying, suicide ideation, religious trauma, anxiety, ableism, depersonalization et cetera idk if this would be allowed on here ornot

I want to beat up many past versions of myself. I want to go back in time and force my sixteen-year-old self to learn how to drive and to get a job. I did get a job a year later…

One thing that terrifies me about life is not having my independence. I really do not want to be here ten years from now. I don’t want to be lazy and blame my shortcomings on my parents’ failings. Because there comes a time where you can’t use the mommy and daddy did bad excuse and you’re responsible for yourself. Still, it sucks, everything that went down since 2020. My mom’s a shit person who straight up told me I’m not the daughter she wanted. She wanted a girly girl who liked shopping and cooking and boys and makeup. She told me she thinks I’m gay. Not even bisexual, just straight up gay. I’ve told her I’m aromantic asexual, asexual since no one understands the aromantic part.

Now my mom is in Georgia living with some guy she didn’t even know for a year. She used to say I didn’t have ADHD or autism. Now that good ole boyfriend is around she accepts it. Now she’s trying to see if she has ADHD. : ] The boyfriend has a daughter that’s a year younger than me. From what I’ve heard about her, she’s definitely the daughter she’s always wanted. She probably tells her she’s “the daughter she never got.” She has a boyfriend, she pops in edibles, has a job.

She left me when I was fifteen. We got into so many stupid fights. I live in this house with my twin brother and my dad. I’m the only girl. There used to be his wife, but she wasn’t even living in here for a year before they split up. I’m mad at my dad for speed running relationships and going through women before he found one that didn’t talk back to him. They got together last February and were married in September. Then they broke up shortly after our vacation.

A lot of the breakup has to do with my brother and me, I’ll admit that. We can’t entirely take the blame for it, though. It’s messed up. The family’s ruined forever. I feel like a shite person for not reaching out to his wife or anything.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s rushing things. I’ll probably never get a partner because of this, and you know what? I’m not entirely against that.

I’m a very disorganized person and my room is always messy. So my dad uses that as an excuse for not letting me practice driving. I have to ask my brother who is the same age as me to take me to places. I don’t even have access to my bank account that has ranked up over two thousand dollars in savings. I don’t worry about my family taking my money. It’s just no one will take me to the bank and when they do, there’s always something that’s up.

I’ve considered going into JobCorps especially when I was struggling with my community college classes. The biggest thing that is stopping me is my poor ten-year-old chihuahua who probably wouldn’t do well in a new environment. I’d have to get her rehomed. There’s no way I could keep her in our current house. She’s feisty and bites. She sometimes even chases other dogs even when I have her on my leash. The thought of my dog never seeing me again hurts my heart.

A horrible memory I have took place in February of 2018. I’m looking through my garage door as my dad and brother put my younger chihuahua in the car before they drive off to the pound 😭 My mom got a new puppy the same year and I’ll always hate myself for what I’ve done to her. I just couldn’t deal with the grief of losing my chihuahua’s sister.

Sorry. When I was fifteen, around the time I signed up for SpaceHey, I’d be cringe and use the public blogs all the time to vent. Now I’m doing the same lol. Sorry.

I’m supposed to be studying and crap for the state exam. It’s kind of hard to do that when you’re home all day long. I’m rotting here. I have a crippling internet addiction and I don’t even talk to anyone anymore. :’) Self-control is what I need to learn. It scares me what I am. My stupid brain is always on the prowl for what’s wrong with me. Autism? ADHD? Sociopath? Narcissist???  It’s not that I want an excuse. I just want to find people who have been in my position and what they have done to get better.

I know it’s pointless. I hide many parts of myself that I’ll never share with people, some embarrassing, some awful, some good but embarrassing. It kind of makes me nervous to get with someone because I won’t ever be completely honest with them. I did think I was transgender at one point, I did think I was a lesbian, I have gotten excited at both men and women in my fantasies. Idk if I’d just share that with my potential boyfriend. Also, so many bad memories flash in my mind 24/7.

I don’t have control over my thoughts. Not even if I take my ADHD medicine. I just don’t get the urge to want to die that often if you know what I mean. A few weeks ago I got damn near close to it and I’m glad I called the suicide hotline. The last time I called it, I was eleven. Saw on Twitter a post that went, “why was I suicidal at eleven?” Lol. I hung up before I spoke to anyone then, though. I came back and I finished what I had with my classes. Not on my own. I’m not proud of myself for passing my class. It’s not really a reflection of my work ethics or my intellect. I had to cheat. I didn’t use AI so :3 That’s good. It makes me sad to see people use AI to get through school. I mean gawd just use Quizlet and Brainly like the olden days!

I keep telling myself I’m going to study. But I just can’t. My intrusive thoughts used to just tell me I’m a shit human being… Now memories of me being stupid are biting me in the arse and are telling me I’m stupid, too! My brain obsesses over a few things that try to make me think I’m irreversible and I caused permanent damage. And my brain obsesses over how ugly I am. When it’s not thinking about that, it’s thinking about stories in my head that I’ll never be able to write, or the stupid cartoons I’m into or whatever else.

I’m not present here and it scares me. It’s been like that even before I took these pills. I had random thoughts when I was younger. I remember being on a playground far away from here, and playing with a blond girl I’ll never see again. There were a few little pink beads stuck in between the floorboards of the playhouse above us. We were playing in the sandbox. I looked at her and I thought something like, “Oh, hey, she’s looking at me through her eyes and her self and she sees my entire body. I’m in this body and this body is a person.” Sounds advanced for a little kid and it’s not the exact thought obviously lol.

My first existential crisis happened when I was twelve (LOL). Long story short, I found out I was born through IVF. I had already known what it meant because I frequented the Nameberry forums. I thought it was cool science could do that… I wasn’t expecting me to be born that way! The night I found that tidbit about me, I turned to the webs to see if I had a soul or not. Somehow I had found an OOOOOLD ass website made before the 2000s that belonged to an old religious lady. Idk what the topic was because the first test tube baby was born in the early 70s, but she said she had been asked if test tube babies had souls given by God. Her answer?

NO!! Test tube babies are SOULESS, HOMUNCULI!!! They were MAN-MADE, not GOD-MADE! Creations of humans and not of God. They weren’t going to Heaven OR He’ll because they don’t even have souls in the first place! I thought I was really into girls at this time and I was already worried about going to Hell. In retrospect, I should’ve thought something along the lines of, “Oh, phew. My being a test tube baby crosses out me spending the rest of eternity in Hell.” /j LMFAOO The idea of my parents, my family, and my friends going to Heaven and my brother and me being nowhere TERRIFIED me! So I dropped Christianity altogether and became a twelve-year-old agnostic/atheist.

Really, I think it’s more of a reflection of the person more than anything when they use religion as an excuse to spread hate. Like the cursed verse in the Bible that says man shall not lay with man. Many resources say it was a matter of mistranslation, and the original meant man shall not lay with boy, which goes against pedophilia. Either way, it’s a fact people love each other and as long as they’re not hurting anyone, why should you stop them?

I’d like to get back into Christianity even though I’ve always had a troubled relationship with God. I had a little pink book of prayers for girls that was bought from Walmart. The prayer I’d use the most was the one about feeling like you’re stuck in a hamster wheel, life being the same over and over again. I was a weird undiagnosed autistic elementary kid who thought she was getting bullied, when it wasn’t really the case. I just felt alone and everyone else was developing at a normal rate. I’d pray in the bathroom and ask for God to help me with my situation.

Honestly, it sounds awful but I’d use God as a genie. I played Virtual Families 2 all the time as a kid and I’d always pray for to win the in-game lottery. As I got older, I started asking questions every religious person thinks about at some point - Why did God allow slavery? War? Why are homosexuals going to hell?

Still, I felt like my beliefs, as weak as they were, gave me a sense of purpose. I think religion is a good thing in theory. Without religion, we probably wouldn’t be as advanced as we are now. Before we were cave men and aggressive. As our ancestors adopted religions they developed more morals and so on. I don’t know what I’m talking about but that’s what I believe.

I’ll always believe in human evolution. It’s not a matter of you believing in it or not - it’s factual. Unlike any deity there is proof for evolution and it exists in the form of fossils and living beings! I honestly don’t think I’ll ever worry about going to hell again even if I do get back into religion. To me, this life isn’t the end but you don’t know that for sure, so you have to live it to its fullest.

Honestly, that’s what keeps me alive, putting aside the obvious reasons like hurting my family. Sometimes my awful thoughts make me think death is the only way to reprieve me of all my pain. But it’s not. You know the saying… Ending it will only pass the pain onto other people, like your loved ones. It still scares me and makes me depressed I’m not “normal” like everyone else my age. It’s a matter of comparing myself. But it’s okay… I keep trying to tell myself. You can make something of yourself :]

Also, it’s awful for me to say but even though I’d be dead, I’d hate to have people talk about all the things I’ve done. I have a bit of a ‘woe of me’ mindset. The people I’ve wronged want me to fail in one way or another. If they saw me in my current state, they’d laugh and think it was deserved. When really… None of these people care about me. They didn’t care about me when I was in high school. I made such a fuss over trying to make myself seem anything other than ‘innocent…’ When no one even cared. I wasn’t the worst person in the world, either. And all these parts of me, everything I’ve done, it’s done and over with. I’m just dealing with the circumstances with a lot of them. Fixed mindset vs Growth mindset.

Ughhhh but I have these moments of clarity and then in the next few days I’ll get back to my old habits T_T I feel so stuck. I want to be independent so badd. I need to study, but I really don’t know how. I just need to try. But these thoughts I have all the time are exhausting. I feel unmotivated to study because I’ll still have to rely on my dad and brother to get me to and from school.

I’m still considering JobCorps even though I’ve heard quite a bit of horror stories from there. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a free organization that provides jobs, housing, and education in the United States for youth sixteen to twenty-six. Like high school, you can choose a specific work field to be in. The catch? Well, it’s not like college where you have to pay tuition. The salary varies in different jobs and locations, but it’s not much. Many people come here to get their GED. A lot of the instructors don’t really know how to handle people. I won’t elaborate on that.

I’m only one state exam away from being certified to work as a nursing assistant. I already have my driver’s permit, so I’ll work to get my license. To practice driving you have to actually do good in your classes and you have to work. I wonder if I could learn some good work ethics being in JobCorps. I really do want to improve and I think being in a different environment would help… My mom says it’s just another case of me trying to run away from my problems and she’s not wrong. I live in this bubble because I’m a recluse and I don’t meet a lot of people. I’m probably in for a rude awakening seeing other people but it’s okay. Learn to cope it’s life. Life’s not all rainbows and sunshine!