if i could talk i'd tell you / you are far and away my most imaginary friend

22/10/24

the lord has stopped talking to me

and she said she had to get away cause she couldn't be bothered to listen to us argue again but i thought we were joking. i mean, i purposefully provoked a clearly meaningless argument. it was about nothing but doesn't she get that i need to talk to you somehow? 

and she asked "how does this keep happening" which upset me cause you don't feel more than me you just feel differently. mine seems more complicated which i don't like cause i love my world of black and white. i've been wearing so much grey recently, i've brought this on myself 

love's such an old fashioned word

it doesn't really happen like a movie, does it? i mean, i knew that but it didn't really. but there's a bit in the movie where they kiss and then that's it. that's just the romance. but that's not true and i don't know how to feel about that. 

i was dreading seeing you cause of him. 

now i don't know how to feel

so i'm back to square one

i'm too much with myself, i want be someone else

a train ride of any length can change a person but a train ride of that length through those places made me more reflective than usual. i'll go to his city despite him. i'll remember how much i love him. i'll cry a little cause i miss who i used to be and i hate who i am. i wish i was kind 

i wish i didn't feel like i had something to prove

i'm tired of everything else, for that matter. but i don't ever seem to get tired of you

i don't see what's wrong with living in my head. well, i do, i just don't care 

i want a clean start but that's never possible, no matter how hard you try. old habits die hard and i don't have the energy to try anymore. so giving up and giving in have overwhelmed me this year 

i will look at the moon as the countdown goes after this undoubtedly long December and i'll know i've made it through but at what cost? and a new year means nothing but the passing of time. and i need anything else 

hope you're all ok

yours, miss misery