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Time is white as the abyssal winter, in tears I watch the clock and smile. Chimes echo in my soul, vibrate in my eyes, and I cannot help but be filled with sadness. Melancholy memories play in my head while I wish for what it was, but never what can be.
These wonderful gifts, I am so grateful, but always will I yearn for what can never be; a dying star wishes but to be young once more, and brightly I may never shine again.
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5undays
Genuinely at a loss for words here. I’m not sure what pointers I can provide given your natural talent for writing, but here are some minor aspects:
Your simile in the first sentence is absolutely wonderful. If anything, I’d say “Time is (as) white as the abyssal winter.”
You could extend your descriptions on certain parts of your writing. For instance, why do the chimes that echo in your soul cause you to be filled with sadness? Is it tied to the memories? What gifts are you being given?
Otherwise, good work, Morty! I love this piece.
aw thank you so much, that means a lot! the chimes i refer to are that of a clock, i suppose my word choice for that one could have been more clear. it's awesome to hear that you love it, when i look up to your work!
by m0rty; ; Report
Oh my heart. You don’t need to thank me at all. I’m so happy you wrote this piece and published it. As for clock terminology, chime suits it perfectly, all it needs is more clarity. It could be rewritten as, “Its chimes echo in my soul...”
by 5undays; ; Report
sorry i didn't respond right away, i was writing another :)
i could have made it more clear that way but i sort of have a thing for writing cryptic, and i also tried cutting words to make it flow better. i'm still not super happy with the way it flows, but you are your own worst critic.
by m0rty; ; Report
You don’t have to apologize for anything! I’m glad you’re creating more pieces of art. It’s as beautiful as your style of writing. Now that I know, I’ll make note of it for when I consume your next piece.
by 5undays; ; Report
And you should go easy on yourself. You did a wondrous job. I can’t imagine how your other pieces will be going forward.
by 5undays; ; Report
thank you so much. the second one is already out (i should probably slow down but my creativity is flowing now and i gotta capture it while it's going!)
by m0rty; ; Report
You don’t need to thank me at all, but that makes me so unbelievably happy. I’m gonna read that piece right now. I can’t believe I’m seeing your creative flow in real time. It’s beautiful.
by 5undays; ; Report
you're not being kind enough to yourself! seeing your work gave me the inspiration and a final push to finally put myself out there.
by m0rty; ; Report