Liam…

Liam´s gone…

For those of you show dont know, liam payne from one direction is dead.

Now this news are extremely disturbing to me, I’ve been a 1d girl since I was twelve, but I’ve been listening to their music since they started as a band, secretly loving them but too embarrassed to admit it cause back then, being a directionerl, a believer or just a fan of someone in general was like incredibly cringe, but then when I turned twelve back in like 2019, I rediscovered them and I slowly started becoming a crazy obsessed fan of theirs, my room filled with posters, my friends family members and classmates tired of listening to me talk about them every two seconds, they became the most important thing to me.

When the pandemic started I found comfort in their music, their words, their interviews, I was having the hardest time of my life, I was in a dee3p depression for a bunch of different reasons that I, not gonna name, cause this isn’t about me, this about them, and specifically about Liam.

Basically I’m still alive because of them, cheering me up when I was sad and comforting me with their lyrics when I felt alone, they sang to me, that’s how I felt it, and now one of them being gone, that person who lit up my world when all I felt was darkness, it just feels unreal, it keeps hitting me whenever I forget, going to school had never been harder, I remember when I move away from my country, the way I felt alone and misunderstood, all I could do was have my headphones in 24/7, looking up their interviews, movies, funny moments, etc. obsessing over them was what got me trough loosing all my friends and family, being away from them.

Feeling like no one got me, specifically cause I didn’t speak the language, everyone was mean to me, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone, I just went to my house, couple clicks and I was home, they were my home, when I was away from home, I’m still away from home but I’ve adapted better, got friends, speak the language, I was getting better.

I stopped obsessing over them years ago but of course they still held a place in my heart, I would sometimes listen to their music or rewatch their videos, not only the music videos but the interviews, video diaries, etc. yes I sometimes went back home.

And now hearing this news, knowing that a man, a wonderful caring man who got me trough all those times, couldn’t get trough his own hard times, it kills me, it keeps hitting me every two minutes that he’s actually gone, I still haven’t processed it, probably never will

Going to school had never been this hard, when my grandpa died I could stay home but now… if I say I’m mourning a dead guy from a by and people will laugh at me. I had cooking class Thursday, the day I woke up to the news, I didn’t even put on my make up, I felt sick, my friends kept asking how on earth could it affect me that much, imagine having to pretend everything’s fine while one of the most important people in your life is dead. I remember having fun with the cookin that day, we mad soup, but whenever I wasn’t cooking or talking to someone it would hit me, and that happened so much, it keeps happening. I’d forget and it’d hit me again. I could physically feel my heart drop every time I remembered, id get nauseous, shaking, is was crazy, it keeps feeling like that but instead of that awful feeling I just cry, which also sucks, but oh my god I remember that morning, that awful awful morning, the worst day of my life, it still is the worst tim of my life but that day I woke up with texts from at least three people telling me that he had died, I didn’t believe them, I was confused, I got out of messages and went into insta, first post I see is from a news place “Liam Payne dead” my heart dripped, I started shaking and crying, I felt sick, nauseous, crazy, at school I felt the same but instead of crying I just kept staring at the same spot, heavy breathing, shaking, trying not to puke, how come the world didn’t stop? Mine sure as hell did.

I remember back in 2020 when he was the most active of the boys, keeping us little girls with hope they’d get back together, the online concerts he did, the halloweens we spent carving pumpkins together, being with me trough livestreams. I feel so empty. The man who saved me is gone, I couldn’t save him, no one could, the way he was struggling so much, the way we actually knew what he was going trough, now personally I don’t know wether to believe maya or not, but even if she’s telling the truth it was obvious his problems were a cause of addiction because of his depression, now I’m not excusing him, going trough a hard time doesn’t mean you can be man to a your loved ones, but I do understand that, while you’re drunk, high or anything like that, you’re not really yourself, I know it because I have some issues with it, and Liam had many reasons to hate the world yet he kept trying.

No, I’m not blinded by obsession or fatalism, I understand that if its true he messed up, but my hope was he’d get sober, get help, get therapy, get something for gods sake, but no, instead every one turned on him, drove him to his death, got so much hate his drunken mind couldn’t take it, and I know had he been sober he wouldn’t have done what he did, but it was known he couldn’t be alone in a hotel room, he’d woken abt it, plus when he went down to the lobby during one of his breakdowns he convulsed, and instead of calling an ambulance for help they called the cops cause he was being aggressive, of course he was, he was in pain, he was high and drunk and in pain, he convulsed in front of everyone and what do they do? Call the cops for aggression, no mention of his health whatsoever, how thick headed can you be?

Anyway I don’t wanna talk about how angry everything people have done to him makes me, but it does make me incredibly furious.

To sum up he was a good person going trough a hard time, had the gotten the help he needed, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

And no, I’m not ridiculous for mourning someone I’ve never even met, he was like my best friend, they all were, my safe space when the spaces I was in weren’t safe, and Liam writing most of the songs that got me trough the worst times possible, he spoke to me, his words spoke to me, and I will forever be grateful.