BPD (beautiful princess disorder)

Sick of feeling so invaluable, to depend on someone's replies to sort out my day and or entire week based on what they say. 

I'm a fake idgafer I catch myself yearning plenty, I can't mask my need for attention and love. I am starved. I love so much. Love is so beautiful. I want it back, to reach me, a feeling so powerful as the one I show and confess. 

I hate love. Love is so ugly. I'm better off without it, without nobody to share it with. Without anybody I can feel this way about, feel less miserable. It's better if they don't love me, I'll only want more and more afterwards. 

But it's warm and happy when they love me, when they say it, when they seem truthful, when they care and assure me to rely on them. I want this feeling to be never-ending.

But I feel like I mess up sometimes, I know I do. Something comes over me and I do something reckless, something that makes them unhappy. Something that would make anyone unhappy. And I know. I want the attention that comes with it, I want them to stop me. I want them to cry for me as hard as I did whenever guilt settled, realizing I must've become a burden. And then I cry again. Do they miss me. Do they even think about me as I think about them. 

I am aware I am not as present in their life as other people, I keep reminding myself that, it's obvious I don't mean as much. I would never. 

I am so negative, so pessimistic and full of shit.

No one wants to surround themselves around someone like that.

I need to work on myself, but I can't, I hate myself. Everything seems so much better when the two of us are happy together, I feel like I'm getting better, I feel loved.

But then I don't. Did I mess up, if so, where and when.

How can I make it better, what can I say to make you love me, so much you never let go. 

Am I bothering you, do you not find me interesting anymore, am I asking too many questions and is it annoying you. Just tell me, don't keep me hanging. I can think of all sorts of things and it's killing me. My head is full.

We'll have to part one day, this won't keep going forever. But I don't want that now, for now I want to be happy with you.