hey! mental health...

I've been doomscrolling on Instagram a lot, sorry for my inactivity btw i'm genuinely to the point of isolating myself, i don't have any energy to spend here for now, but i ain't leaving 4 shit.

i've been feeling awful and awesome at times these days, it's a fight, deb8able if it feels worth having, still no job but i'm working on things to get some help on finding a job, i'm still debating on seeking professional help, i have a home, some family, food, and a goal and i'm doing pretty alright from an outside point, but my feelings and thoughts get in my way in life, i don't know when i'm doing progress in life or not, and i just want to do that, some progress, but it's like every step in life is hard to distinguish weither it's the right path or not, there's always some small things but lots of them, getting in my way, i really don't live up to who i am, i want to be and should be, i'm closer than before but, i'm definitely too slow, it's like my dreams are slipped away.

i'm sinking to incel mentally, the chronically online man that i am, i have nowhere else to go than the internet, and i'm currently being flooded with gender war stuff, i don't always believe what i see online and i know like more than half is ragebait, but i can't help but picture how women see men as what i see online, and it's breaking me.

men raised by men become criminals, men raised by women become suicidal, this fucked up conclusion's been sitting in my head for a while.

Being a guy raised by women and who grew up with girls suck, i'm that minority and i have to worry about both women and men EQUALLY, cuz so far girlies like to say it's only men that bring down feminine men but i honestly fucking disagree a SHIT TON, and HELL i'm not even a femboy or anything.

It has benefits tho, i gotta admit it's still slightly better than the patriarchy, instead of dealing with fists i mostly have to deal with words and actions and women using their words very strategically to turn a situation into what they want it to be, i gotta admit women have a far better word play at times, i also can be a token "good guy" to some women, sometimes which is nice, but sweetie i'm not, it's not because i understand you or listen to you that i'm a good guy, i'm just a normal guy and that's how i like it, i've done and probably will do some more fucked up things.

I'm also very proud of my emotional inteligence, i can recognize emotions and stuff sometimes, so much for being a straight cis white man.

i don't even think about the drama about my exes anymore, that's fucking good tbh, i feel better because of it alone, but i do very rarely ask myself if i should make my response blog public, i mean only 2 ppls saw it so far, but i sometimes ask myself weither to make it public or not, it doesn't have any purpose other than maybe it could make my experience better on SpaceHey by closing this case, but i'm scared to make it worst or kick the hornet's nest, unfortunately no matter who's wrong i'm the one suffering the consequences, everyone around me told me every time not to post it, and honestly i think they're right but meh, these small thoughts of "what if"

ifykyk, if you don't know preserve yourself of that shit, and if you don't wanna i literally do not give a fuck, i just wanna move on with my life for the 100th time, motherfucker's got a gf now i guess, goodluck to her but good for em i guess, who am i to judge or do the morality, it's their life i ain't got no sayings on it, in the meantime i'm staying single because i don't want someone to make my life worse ever again, but i do enjoy the flirting from some girls :)

i complain a lot about women since my break up but i still fucking love women.

I collapsed a few days ago from my head's heavyness, at least that's how it felt, i was feeling horrible and couldn't get up for a minute.

I'm growing more and more antisocial and it's a backstab.

Being alone with my thoughts hurts sometimes.

I still don't fucking skateboard and it genuinely hurts HELL even more than my last rejects and break ups ffs, i'm not kidding when i say this but rn i'm fully recovered from all my break ups however i'm fucking devastated over a plank on whells that broke 4 months ago...

I miss skateboarding so much, made me socialize, gain confidence, go outside, do some sports, helped me with my mental health, made me eat more, and made me attractive twice to some girl friendgroups at a bus station lmao, they asked for my instagram and shit B], i say like it's a normal thing but it feels so wierd to just no longer be ugly??? i'm personally in denial i personally think i'm mid, but skating genuinely changed me, i honestly still don't consider myself to be the type to score girls anyway, i wasn't raised this way, i get overwhelmed when talking to women irl, i don't like having multiple girl's attraction anyway, it feels really fucking dirty and overwhelming, i'm gonna be real i'm not built for a gf, i'm slowly going back to the "i wont get a gf and i'll die a virgin and that's fine" mentality of "i shouldn't bother trying to have a gf it's to difficult" and it hurts sometimes, but feels good to be back tbh, alone in my little room, it kinda feels good to be repulsed by women at times, i don't have to worry about responsabilities or opinions cuz fuck em haters, kind of a vibe to just be me with my hyperfixation and interests fully and not reevaluating my whole body, looks, future, persepective of life, mind and personality because of some chicks, life is much lonelier but simpler...

However i'm totally down for female frienships, i like em a lot better, i get a whole lot of affection, cuddles and shit, i just wish i could meet em irl :( (and to all you fuckers that r gonna make fun of me for using the term "female" i too hate using the terms "male/female" like we're fucking animals however i'm using it as in "female friendships" not to descibe women)

(i only like girl friendships when there's full trust and comfort only, otherwise it's mentally draining, insulting, and straight up depressing to talk to women tbh, but not all women, see i don't generalize ahem ahem)

I need to hang out with more dudes tho i'm too familiar with womanhood for a man, i need to keep in touch with my masculinity too, i like my more feminine hobbies and shit but i wanna level up my masculinity lol, i always wanted to go the gym but it's not close and i'm broke, here i know i'll find more dudes to fuck socialize with.

I still am not close to my religion but i've lost the guilt, i don't feel anything about it, i am guilty and i believe it but it's no longer in my mind a lot, i WILL get back to my religion tho, i'm a sinner not a non-believer.

idk what this blog is anymore lol, it's nothing usual tbh, but what's even the usual right?