i dont feel okay

(idgaf about your ideas on my post so stfu and comment whatever the fuck you want i don't fucking care)

i feel weird lately, heavy if you want to say like something is missing, something important is missing, and i honestly probably just need a good cry or a hug or some love but then again i have no one and im too afraid to show anyone my tears so i keep it in, i disassociate and now I'm messing everything up, my grades- future its like I'm playing with it, but the feeling of nothing being real just makes everything feel unimportant 

maybe i feel suicidal at times, but its just cause things around me have always been tough, and i  feel like everyone i love just hates me everyone i trust doesn't trust me back, like im all by myself, so i distract myself, i write, i read, i scroll, i listen, i smoke and most importantly i drive myself away to a far reality now i feel like I'm stuck there yk? like i cant differentiate between the reality i made for myself and the real one, I'm messing myself up, i need someone anyone beside me, or i need a good smoke, or maybe a good rest
a one that would last forever