Casually Obsessional And Painfully Pathetic

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Hand(y) Update

The damn cream worked after all. A little TOO well, even... considering that my hands have turned an odd shade of yellow. The cream has seemingly dried out my hands to such an extend that the upper skin layer turned calloused (which explains the color, I guess). Regardless, I stopped using it every night because of this.

That's pretty much what the website said too, though. Once your hands start to really dry out, you should only use it every second day or even just once a week. The effects seem to not revert too quickly either. During my vacation in Italy I haven't used it and they still remained dry-ish. 

While in general my hands aren't as sweaty anymore (especially my palms), my fingertips are practically immune to the treatment. Maybe I just have to use the cream a bit longer, who knows.

At least I am not leaving sweat stains on everything I touch anymore.

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Oatmeal Is Underrated

or maybe I'm just getting old. But this stuff is versatile, easy to make and, most importantly, filling. 

Originally I started eating this stuff because I wanted/needed more fiber in my diet (Wooooh look at me being all wannabe healthy). I even got chia seeds to put in there like I'm some sort of health nut. 

So far I have not noticed any differences when it comes to my digestive system to be honest, but ay at least it's healthier food than a lot of other typical snacks. 

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Whatever happened to casual...

-ly consuming something. Especially concerts and music. 

Now listen, I'm not a huge Ghost fan but since I do like Sleep Token they are basically "that distant cousin you see at family gatherings once in a while" to me. But selling VIP Tour passes for about 2000 dollars? Multiple VIP packages just to enable people to pay for getting barricade? No phones allowed? 

All of this sounds incredibly capitalistic to me, preying on the very same obsessive and toxic fan behaviour that's been spreading throughout the whole music industry. 

Those who know me also know my stance on this whole ordeal of camping, following a band on tour by going to multiple, if not even every single show. (Spoiler: I find it extremely creepy, obsessive and greedy). What irks me the most however, is the fact that the industry, specifically artists, can't seem to pick a side. On one hand I have heard the general consensus being that artists feel harassed and pressured by fan behaviour. That these parasocial relationships fans develop are one of many reasons as to why artists withdraw from interacting with their audience on social media and real life alike. On the other hand we have shit like this Ghost situation in which that obsessiveness is actively being enabled to make more money.

I myself am extremely conflicted to be fair. Because it feels like fans as a whole are being mocked. Taking the phone thing for example: I get that it has been getting "worse" when it comes to shows being filmed now that everyone has a semi professional video camera in the form of a phone with them at all times. And I agree it can get annoying if all you see are screens instead of the artist anymore. But at the same time condemning the usage and practice of video as a whole is such a boomer take and a dangerous black-and-white way of thinking. We take videos to keep memories, to look back at a time when we experienced something we love. The human mind and memory is inconsistent and unreliable. Wanting to capture snippets to look back on in certainty isn't as much of a disrespectful act as most people make it out to be. 

And I am generalizing on purpose here. Deliberately NOT using the argument that a lot of people have "memory issues" because more often than not it's just met with "you kids and your damn phones TikTok is ruining your attention span!!!" Which...isn't inherently true. You CAN consume media on platforms like TikTok without it affecting you, IF you do it mindfully. So...if you just put in the minimum of critical thinking. "you can't even manage to watch a video thats over five minutes". Ok but have you maybe considered that your content just isn't interesting to watch? 

Be that as it may, what's more infuriating than those regulations and outrageous ticket prices is the fact that people still eat it up no questions asked. 

Too many people have a serious case of FOMO that transcends any and all sense of reason to them. It feels almost dystopian to see all those people basically just shouting "consume! Consume! Consume!" and nothing else. Like a senseless hive mind gulping down everything that's being thrown at their feet. You don't have to be at every show, you don't have to have every piece of merch and you don't have to be at barricade every single time. You won't die, you're gonna be fine, trust.

"It's my money and I am allowed to spend it how I want!!! >:(" Sure, but have you considered that not only do your actions have further reaching consequences AND there might be an underlying deeper mental issue here that we should address, honey?

On the other side, I myself am somewhat of a fan of things and have spend my fair share of time in fanbases. And as overboard as some fans might go, I do not agree with the way some artists treat and react to their fanbases. That's where we are getting to the recently upcoming topic of "normies" infiltrating fan spaces and deeming everything and anything weird and cringe which was once normal fandom activities. 

Aside from this odd critique now coming from the inside of fandoms, I feel like a lot of artists who never grew up or got to understand and experience fandoms as they naturally are, sadly tend to act the same way. 

And (as much as I hate to cite someone who defends Ronnie Radke,) as Andy Biersack said before "Some things fans do, artists are just not meant to see". Especially if they don't understand the nature behind it. People are quick to be weirded out by fanart, fanfics and Ships, completely disregarding the fact that a lot of fans use those mediums to work through their own issues. It might be a controversial take of mine but I truly believe only a small margin of a fandom actually sees the actual artist as a person when they utilize their likeness in fanworks. If you are a performer, you inevitably become a caricature of yourself on stage. As an artist, you develop a persona. You become part of your art, and art instinctively gets interpreted. Fans, onlookers and consumers take what is being shown to them and make it their own, because everyone connects with the same piece of art differently. That is just a fact you can not change.

This only becomes problematic once a certain threshold is overstepped. And this is where we get to the critical point where a Fan-BASE overlaps with a Fan-DOM. I believe FanDOMS meddle about primarily in the fantastical, while FanBASES dwell on real life events. However, I shortly want to clarify that one isn't better or more "normal" than the other because both can lean into an extreme. But once two different minded parties start to mix, there is bound to be conflict caused by a simple lack of understanding. 

I wonder how things would go if someone experienced in fandom culture became famous. Would they have a different approach towards their fanbase and it's creations? If I would be put into that position, I think I would at the very least.

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Emotional Torture

Being interested in someone is the most humiliating and embarrassing thing to be honest. At least it feels that way, especially if you aren't the most attractive person. Growing up you have been taught that you having feelings for anyone is the biggest insult known to man. And that shit continued all the way into adulthood. The fact I never was in a relationship ever doesn't make it any better. If anything, it just reinforces this feeling.

Even worse if you are a very self aware person. Every move you make and any convo you have you overthink to the max. it feels unbearably pathetic to basically beg for attention from that one person. Where do you draw the line? At what point do you start becoming annoying? What number of text is too much? How long should you wait until you text them again after they didn't reply to your last message without seeming pushy? Do they even want to talk to you or are they just being polite again?

It feels foreign; strange, almost, to realize you like someone. As if I am not supposed to feel this way. As if I am not allowed to. As if I am treading on eggshells way more than the average person when it comes to this topic. What would be a small hicup for them would be an absolute game over if I'm the one making the same mistake. 

Sometimes I wish I was aromantic cuz then at the very least I wouldn't have these issues.

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I caved

and bought the damn visual novel Sleep Token is releasing soon, by the way. I'm just a sucker for artist collaborations and zines. I'm also curious how well written it's going to be. I think I'm quite picky when it comes to literature and have seemingly high standards in comparison to most people. But even if it isn't the art by itself should have been worth it. Plus I didn't want to depend on people providing the digital download and RCA going on a licensing hunting spree in an attempt to take down every single reupload of the novel.

I don't know why I am so intrigued by this piece of merchandise in particular, especially since the whole ordeal was quit expensive if you count shipping fees on top. In all honesty I don't think I would have developed such an interest in it if it wouldn't be for the crumbs we got upon presale release sparking some deep slumbering creative demon within me. The very same one that possessed me as a kid when I drew monsters and OC's left and right, I guess. 

In general I've been too haphazardly throwing out money to be fair. Wether it be merchandise, jewelry or yet again more crafting supplies...Maybe I'm in need of a dopamine rush or something. 

Speaking of ordering stuff: Yesterday I got an order confirmation E-Mail of something I ordered four years ago... I don't even remember if that package ever arrived in the first place. But it would be funny as fuck if it would be send out now...four years later. 

It was merchandise, a shirt from Matpat over the website CreatorsInk, as a gift for a friend of mine. The shirt doesn't even exist anymore I think. It was some sort of special edition thing and I believe it even had something to do with a donation marathon? I wrote them a Mail asking about it, let's see what happens. 

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Tomorrow is Halloween which I am excited for. I've been invited to a crafting tea party by one of my work besties so thats nice. I actually get along better with the newer peeps at our workplace, funnily enough. I guess cuz they are my age in comparison to the ones I started with. We're all little arts and crafts girlies too haha!