Probably shouldn't definitely couldn't

I probably shouldn't use this place as a diary, but there is a lick of excitement I get when I post my problems on here that maybe one day some way someone will see it and fix me. will see it and care extraordinarily. I know my friends and people do care, i do not mean to diminish their feelings for me, but ever the selfish, lusting animal, it's not enough to sate me.

I just got out of the bath, I'm chewing on a fingernail I bit off, and I spent the bath crying and throwing a silent and repressed temper tantrum. because I want people to care but god forbid it be my family.

I sat there and at first i simply thought about how i think i might've gotten fatter, how i should exercise more, maybe go to the gym, daydreaming about how good it coul be or how bad it could be and how i know i will struggle to commit and it will fade after a week, maybe two, and i thought about how maybe if i had someone to hold me accountable it might help. if someone were to come with me and do it with me and make me do it and encourage me and they did it out of love and not a monetry obligation. maybe i could commit. and then i looked at myself hunched over in the bth in the reflection of the purple ceramic candle holder and i cried.

Because I'm not anyway anymore, I'm not anyones most vested interest anymore, not sure if i ever have been or how much i was, but i know in this moment in this time i am no ones. and it feels cruel to say that with all the friends i have who care for me right now, but they have lives. things matter outside of me, and god doesn't that just drive me crazy.

I went out to town today to see a friend, she was upset and stressed and no one else would come with her to her appointment. I offered because i would hate to be in her position, i would want more than anything for someone to come for me, come save me come hold me, so i did. and selfishly i thought to myself 'No one has ever done this for me, and i don't think anyone would'. It was not in an attempt to make myself feel like a better person for doing this, but because i simply believe it to be true. frustratingly also there may ave been a time when someone did make a grand gesture like that for me, but i do not remember, and a significant part of me holds doubt it has ever happened.

it's so frustrating to feel all this and feel so abandoned, when i am really surrounded by love. As i sate in that bath i thought about doing something to myself, not because i want to hurt but because that sweet hurt would put me in peoples minds and at the centre of their attentions. maybe if i smashed my head against the tap until i bled people would all come to my side, maybe if i smashed the big heavy glass candle against the wall it will fix me, maybe if i bang my head against the tub i'll be special to someone, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe if i carve canyons into my legs someone will profess their love for me.

I'm not suicidal, but i am insane i think. and i want to tell someone but who do i tell? I checked my phone a few times in that tub and what did i see? No messages, everyone worrying about themselves.

It's frustrating to understand from a logical perspective that I only feel like people aren't listening to me/aren't caring enough because it is a symptom of a larger mental illness. that it is because I want more than anyone can ever give me, and that what really will fix me is medical help and not crying to my friends. but it really feels like people are caring but uninterested. it feels like they care on a purely superficial level, like they are caring because of course they should but they'd much rather be anywhere else doing anything else.

Braden feels like i'm getting rinse and repeat 'I'm so sorry Qaii, than=t sucks, you'll find someone who loves you someday' on repeat. Jaide is going through enough and is clearly tired. Ted is in school and has other priorities. Elloise seems like i'm burdening them becuase it is hard to deal with emotions. i don't tell maya these things because they don't seem to be able to handle it with everything they have going on. what would i say to adam and claire? Hey, i know i rarely get into it emotionlly with you but i feel like a powder keg about to explode and want you to kintsugi me back together? How do i tell my manager i feel like i'm going to split apart and shatter if he makes me do another 9 or 8 hour shift? my parents and familiy certainly can't know, it'll all circle back to their own feelings or not understanding mine. I want annabelle back but what will he say? what can he, realistically, do that will help me more than anyone else? Turn up at my house on a white horse and let me cry and babble and beg at his feet? take me into their arms and say they love me and sign us up to get surgically attached at the hip?

Or there's the ever popular route of fnatasising about getting back with will. he has me blocked now and it sickens me because it means he doesn't want me anymore. i have proof in that blocking. and i shouldn't want him anymore either, proof is in the pudding is in the way i shouted at him last we texted because he was being horribly obtuse again. but now i no longer have that plausible deniability that he might love me still.

I miss when he did. it suffocated me and i agreed to so many things i never should've and never wanted. i don't remember anything anymore. but he loved me. he loved me so much and would have done all these things I wanted as long as he got to have his big titted girlfriend who spits in his mouth. a sacrifice i think i'd willingly make now, so long as it meant he'd love me again. even if i don't want sex.

I get so frustrated when i have these meltdowns because i have all these urges and impulses and self destructive ideas that i never follow through on, and i don't and it makes it all feel like a joke. at least if i did these things then i ould have proof of my insanity, and maybe i'd get that mythical love and attention i'm obsessed with. but i won't. i'll get out of that bath and I'll cry about it on my spacehey and i'll watch youtube and go to sleep and it will all repeat again before i can even get better from this meltdown.

Maybe i'll try and exercise tomorrow, but my mum will be home and that will stress me out, the idea of being seen or it simply being known that i'm exercising. the fat, hunchback, acne riddled daughter. round and rotund and square and utterly unnappealing compared to the rest of the blessedly skinny in my family. what fucking ever. you try losing weight when your mind runs a million miles an hour and you're constantly shifting ideas, goals, and motivations like a fucking guess wht cup it's under game