the narcissist who hates herself

In a world that loves self-confidence, I find myself stuck in a weird spot. I’m a narcissist, but I also really hate myself. It’s strange to feel both proud and ashamed at the same time. (｡•́︿•̀｡)

I often wonder how I got here. Was it the endless praise by teachers when I was younger, or the harsh criticism that came later? Both sides shaped me into someone who craves attention but also feels uncomfortable when people actually see me. I carefully craft my image, showing off a bright and happy version of myself in real life, but when the lights go out, I’m left alone with my thoughts.

The irony is hard to bear. I love hearing compliments and thrive on what others think of me, yet I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not enough.

 It’s like wearing a mask that fits perfectly but feels so tight. 

There’s a heavy emptiness that comes with this life. No happiness, no pride—just a deep sense of emptiness. The more I seek approval, the more I realize it’s pointless. Compliments fade away, and I’m left with my own self-hatred.

Apathy kicks in, acting like a shield against the pain of knowing myself. I drift through days, feeling disconnected from the life I’ve built. Conversations feel forced, and I wonder if anyone can see the cracks in my perfect image. Do they notice the chaos inside? Or am I just a ghost, floating through my own life? (´･ω･`)

In this state of confusion, I ask myself: Can a narcissist really hate herself? The answer is complicated. I’m both the creator and the creation, tangled in a mix of contradictions. Each day, the struggle inside me gets stronger, a silent battle in my mind!!!!!! (ಥ﹏ಥ)