please i cant stand my reflection

 i hate my face and my body and my voice and my personality and my life.

I hate it i hate my face so much oh my semicolon i want to barf sometimes when i look at myself why do i look like that why cant i be beautiful and skinny and cute why do i have to look so deformed and ugly i hate it so much it pains me i want to break my mirror with a hammer and then break myself ugly people like me dont deserve to stay on this earth its only for beautiful and smart people why am i here no one even wants me around not even mother dearest whos genuinely sick of me i cant i feel sick right now too i feel like i want to puke i barely ate anything and i do excersice so why arent i skinny enough why am i not pretty yet do i need to expel my features? should i start looking more like the beauty standard, should i turn myself into a white girl? dye my hair blonde and put in some blue eyecontacts? why was i born a woman of colour, my life has been hell. i have never been loved and everyone views me as a creature from a different planet. why must i live a life full of so much sorrow? so much hate? its so sickening.. why was i created? and why is this all i get? this is my one shot of living and it feels like im stuck in some kind of meat suit,,, this isnt me this really isnt me its someone else i dont claim this body as my own please someone hear my screams no one ever hears anything i write in these damn blogs and yes i didnt use grammar or anything punctual for this one because this is full rage i dont have time for grammar i dont have time for anything im so tired im so so so tired please please hear me why wont anyone listen to me am i dying am i alive am i even real ? somedays i wake up and i dont even think im a real person i keep dissociating in class and looking at the walls and sometimes they mesh together and make colours that arent there or sometimes i'll see someone who isnt there and it scares me why am i seeing this? who are you?? have you come to hurt me?? im so tired i hate it here please my life could have been a little easier if i was pretty at least.