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TW: mentions of suicide & sh
about 6 weeks ago i went on zoloft, for the first few weeks it actually worked pretty well!! however it feels like i've built some sort of immunity 2 it, it may just be due to recent events however, even b4 that happened it wasnt working. ive been feeling worse than before..or maybe the same my memories very poor. i've always been very overdramatic after fights with really anyone i care about i'd get so worked up i'd consider killing myself, i felt like nobody liked me and other shit like that. i thought the anti-depressants would help with that, however it didnt do jack shit, infact i've been feeling worse, i've really never did self harm i'd simply distract myself (well..not exactly but i was like 6 and i dont feel like getting into how 6 yr me would sh), but in recent times distracting hasnt worked, the only thing stopping me from cutting is that i dont have anything to stop the bleeding with. well yes, my mood has improved i still fall back into these thoughts. im scared it will progress, i dont really i want to die infact everybody loves me, everyone always talk about how cool i am,etc im literally the best!! ..its strange sometimes i feel like im horrible and yet other times i feel like im the most amazing person in the world, or just neutral. when i feel like committing it isnt even just a thought, i attempt to commit all the time yet it never works, i once took a whole bottle of fucking motrin yet i didnt fucking die?? like what, however its most likely due to the fact its extremely rare to die from it or smth. it concerns me how frequnitly i attempt, luckily it never works but what if i push it too far? i know il regret it, i know i will. tomorrow im getting picked up early at school to talk with my pediatrician, i want to address my concerns, yet my mother thinks otherwise, mostly due to the fact she never sees this side of me. i want to tell my pediatrician. i want to get better yet i dont know how to address it.
(ignore my horrible grammar)
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RevolverMachine
Honestly you just need to talk to someone. I am a sociopath and since birth have always had problems with relationships and how I feel with myself.
I've been in and out of psych wards and one thing I realized is when it comes to getting better it's all up to you. I'd recommend therapy, even though I hated it at first I was like yeah how would some old lady that studied how to talk to people make my problems better. Just go for it, I find talking to people really helps for me and having support and being able to communicate to someone is really what works for me and gets me feeling better.
About the pills, maybe you would need an upper dosage but let me tell you one thing that took me ages to realize, until the age of 17 that is kind of off topic...
Mental health really comes down to this one important factor, that being how you manage and take care of yourself. I was the biggest loser you could ever imagine. I got up thinking not brushing my hair or teeth, not caring about what outfit I wore was normal- and when I did I would still be super insecure. I learned that being confident (ofc don't be egotistical) is the best way to put yourself out there and be at peace with yourself.
It's not easy, this is why it took me years I thought everything was about me me me, that everybody else doesn't understand and that fitting into the what I thought was the "norm" was not me and disrespecting my "true" self. Of course be who you are but the ultimate truth is that you're just someone else in the world that is struggling and people are here to support you.
If you want to talk about anything in particular let me know.
I'm still in the process of getting better myself, I am not some professional, I'm someone like you and you are someone who is valuable.
Hope everything gets better.