why is this feeling alive?

Sometimes i get myself some time to think about myself, maybe about my actions, it depends on how i feel that day, to be honest i dont really think im a decent person, i usually dont care about anything at all, i just exist on my life, if anyone of my social circle suffers, i dont really care

i guess im a egoist person, the life of others, their pain, or their joy, they mean nothing to me, its pointless, my entire perception about myself only contains bad things, and maybe a few "decent" things, im able to love, i can love really hard, i can like someone, i can talk to someone i like, but, if they leave, i dont feel anything, not remorse about anything i think i did wrong, nothing at all

that makes me worry about everything i feel, if i dont care, how can i tell if those feelings were authentic?

thats like a paradox to me, but well

anyways, im meeting someone, i hope i dont mess it up!! (which i dont think so because i use to be a very good person at some topics, as well known as; caring, worrying about the other one, loving the other one, being generous and everything, kinda weird because i think its an automatic behaviour, im a conscious trash, and i dont have the enough energy to change that)

btw nobody cares about this blog, i guess, just wanted to write somewhere, and i remembered i joined this page yesterday and i said, why not?